What's So Funny!

A wealthy easterner who had grown up in the country before going east to make his fortune, decided to return to for a deer hunt. So he called an old family friend to see if he would act as a guide.
The man replied, "Sorry, I don't guide hunters any more. I only take out fishing parties."
"Why's that?" asked the wealthy easterner. "Getting a little too old for the trails?"
"Nope," replied the guide, "I've never had a fisherman mistake me for a fish."

A Little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
"You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained.
"Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said
"I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"

How to give a pill to a cat....

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call friend to help.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.

15) Consider giving cat to friend and call pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

KIDS REAL ANSWERS ON LIFE:

Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him, Doug, age 8

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9

Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to: Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. Taylia, 11

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. Traci, 14

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac. Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. Kellie, 11

If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. Lauren, 9

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel,10

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, 13

Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, 8

KIDS' REAL ANSWERS ABOUT MARRIAGE:

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming."" Alan, age 10.
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10.

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then." Camille, age 10.
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 8.

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people. Eddie,age 6.
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derick, age 8.

WHAT DO YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10.

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they're rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8.

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them" Anita, age 9.
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper changing." Kirsten, age 10.

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori,age 8
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10.

40 SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN:

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
9. You talk about the weather with strangers and friends alike.
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
11. When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead of telling them to stay out of it.
12. You're not sure if the leader of your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
13. You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
16. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small town in Quebec!
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
18. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
19. You know that Thrills are something to chew and "taste like soap".
20. You know that Mounties "don't always look like that"
21. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
22. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a vegetable product line.
23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a Celtic musical group.
24. You participated in "Participaction".
25. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
26. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
27. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
29. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
30. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
31. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
32. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
33. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
34. You were mad when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
35. You know what a toque is.
36. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
37. You admit Rich Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
38. You know Toronto is not a province.
39. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
40. Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.

There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.
The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
After they got their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

JOHN AND MARY

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that dear John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In point of fact, he just walked in the front door."

Funny Signs Seen in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere)

1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
6. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
7. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said -I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said - Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT

Just in case you think you are TC ("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in the Wall Street Journal:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
4. Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What Power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in.." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded.
"Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A man took his dog to the Vet for a regular check up.
The Vet picked the dog up, looked in to his eyes, felt his ears a little and announced: 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down'
The man looked shocked and upset.
'What's wrong with him?!? He's only 3 years old and he's always been healthy'
'He's heavy'

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
"The big sissy."

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The first guy responds, "Pepperoni Pizza," which he is served and then executed.
The second requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The third requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, strawberries."
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait . . . "

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..."
"Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"

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