A wealthy easterner who had grown up in the
country before going east to make his fortune, decided to return to for a deer
hunt. So he called an old family friend to see if he would act as a guide.
The man replied, "Sorry, I don't guide hunters any more. I only take out
"Why's that?" asked the wealthy easterner. "Getting a
little too old for the trails?"
"Nope," replied the guide, "I've never had
a fisherman mistake me for a fish."
A Little boy was afraid of the dark.
his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out
there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son.
don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained.
"Jesus is out there.
He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother
real hard and asked,
"Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He
is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the
back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he
called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
A professor was giving a big test one day to his
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to
Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to
his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back
This student got back his test and $64 change.
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy
tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of
the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first
grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire
building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man
with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some
of that straw to build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class
"And what do you think that man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and
"I know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
How to give a pill to a cat....
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call friend to help.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get friend
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop
pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get friend to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to friend's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while
swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves
from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get friend to drive you to the emergency room,
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.
15) Consider giving cat to friend and call pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
KIDS REAL ANSWERS ON LIFE:
Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, age
When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look
stupid?" don't answer him, Doug, age 8
Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Stay away from prunes. Randy, 9
Never pee on an electric fence. Robert, 13
Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to:
When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her
brush your hair. Taylia, 11
Never allow your three-year old brother in the
same room as your school assignment. Traci, 14
Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a
tic tac. Andrew, 9
Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same
time. Kyoyo, 9
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk. Armir, 9
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white
shorts. Kellie, 11
If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a
horse. Naomi, 15
Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a
baseball bat. Joel,10
When you get a bad grade in school, show it to
your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, 13
Never try to baptize a cat. Eileen, 8
KIDS' REAL ANSWERS ABOUT MARRIAGE:
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to
find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.""
Alan, age 10.
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10.
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then."
Camille, age 10.
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to
get married." Freddie, age 8.
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE
"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids." Derick, age 8.
WHAT DO YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE?
"On the first
date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10.
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
rich." Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want
to mess with that." Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss
someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do." Howard, age 8.
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up
after them" Anita, age 9.
"Single is better, for the simple reason that I
wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd just
phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper changing."
Kirsten, age 10.
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially
underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it." Lori,age 8
your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10.
40 SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE CANADIAN:
1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink
pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know
that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You can drink
legally while still a 'teen.
9. You talk about the weather with strangers
and friends alike.
10. You don't know or care about the fuss with Cuba,
it's just a cheap place to travel with good cigars and no Americans.
When there is a social problem, you turn to your government to fix it instead
of telling them to stay out of it.
12. You're not sure if the leader of
your nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
13. You get
milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
14. Pike is a type of
fish, not some part of a highway.
15. You drive on a highway, not a
16. You sit on a couch not a chesterfield - that is some small
town in Quebec!
17. You know what a Robertson screwdriver is.
have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
19. You know that Thrills
are something to chew and "taste like soap".
20. You know that Mounties
"don't always look like that"
21. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for
children and the elderly".
22. You know that the Friendly Giant isn't a
vegetable product line.
23. You know that Casey and Finnegan are not a
Celtic musical group.
24. You participated in "Participaction".
You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good
enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet.
27. Unlike any international
assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport.
28. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the
missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
29. You know the French
equivalents of "free", "prize" and "no sugar added", thanks to your extensive
education in bilingual cereal packaging.
30. You are excited whenever an
American television show mentions Canada.
31. You make a mental note to
talk about it at work the next day.
32. You can do all the hand actions to
Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
33. You can eat
more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
34. You were mad
when "The Beachcombers" were taken off the air.
35. You know what a toque
36. You have some memento of Doug and Bob.
37. You admit Rich
Little is Canadian and you're glad Jerry Lewis is not.
38. You know
Toronto is not a province.
39. You never miss "Coaches Corner".
Back bacon and Kraft Dinner are two of your favourite food groups.
There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to
fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so
they took off to try it.
The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just
before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."
After they got
their equipment, they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the
shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."
He sold him
the picks, and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back at the shop
and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."
The bait man
couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid
boat in the water yet."
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer
uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens,
cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was
getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off
he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the
nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
JOHN AND MARY
John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces
away, noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and
under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.
watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the
Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that
dear John had disappeared under the table.
After the waitress finished
taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In point of
fact, he just walked in the front door."
Funny Signs Seen in Great Britain: (but could be anywhere)
1. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
2. IN A LONDON
DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
3. IN AN OFFICE: Would the
person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps
will be taken.
4. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break, staff should
empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
5. ON A
CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door
is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)
A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why
not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of
the District Council.
8. NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW: Anyone leaving
their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
9. IN A
HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
10. SPOTTED IN A SAFARI
PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
11. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For
anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first
12. NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field
for free, but the bull charges.
13. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot
read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
14. ON A REPAIR SHOP
DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't
15. SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of
order. Please use floor below.
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the
Byte. And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in
the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero;
and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it
happened. And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created
floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the
computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and
compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big... And told
them - Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said
-I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and
govern over the computers and programs and Data.
7. And God created the
Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the
Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created a creature that would
look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the
Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the
Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.
But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the
User - Did God really tell you not to run any programs?
11. And the User
answered - God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data
but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the
User - How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you
run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything
you like by a simple click of your mouse.
13. And the User saw that the
fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any
knowledge was useless since Windows could replace it.
14. So the User
installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered - I
am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said
- Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said - It
was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you
did you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy
with you. And you will always sell Windows.
17. And God said to the User -
Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your
Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on
the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you
listened to the User you will never be happy. All your programs will have
errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it
with a password.
20. GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT
Just in case you think you are TC
("Technologically Challenged"), the following is an excerpt from an article in
the Wall Street Journal:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command
"Press Any Key" to Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where
the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that
her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician
received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word
processing files from his old diskettes. The customer had stuck labels on the
diskettes, then rolled them into his typewriter to type on the labels.
Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few
days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the
5. A Dell technician advised a customer to put his troubled
floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he
couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
trouble-shooting, the tech discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of
paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't
be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles
printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it
"couldn't find printer". The user had tried turning the computer screen to face
the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell
computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician
asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I
pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal"
turned out to be the computer's mouse.
11. Another customer called Compaq
Tech Support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked
the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked
"What Power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry,
but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's
because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show?"
Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a
promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to
mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The
caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive!
13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing
software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It
said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with that disk. When it
said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in.." The user hadn't
realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.
THERE NOW, DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER!
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town,
every hotel room was taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he
"Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a
double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and
he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure
it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him.
"I'll take it."
The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast
bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy.
you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away,
when I came in the room," the sailor explained.
"I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night
A man took his dog to the Vet for a regular check
The Vet picked the dog up, looked in to his eyes, felt his ears a
little and announced: 'I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put your dog down'
The man looked shocked and upset.
'What's wrong with him?!? He's only
3 years old and he's always been healthy'
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm,
a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the
light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was
broken at last by a shaken little voice saying,
"The big sissy."
Three guys are about to be executed and they are
asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The first guy responds,
"Pepperoni Pizza," which he is served and then executed.
requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
requests a plate of strawberries.
He is told, "But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait .
. . "
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when
the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?"
mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help
you to stay on top of the soft sand".
"OK" said the son. A few minutes
later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert",
"Thanks Mom" replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and
asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?"
now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store
fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long
"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and
long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water,
but Mom ..."
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always
getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into
The boy thought it over and said,
"Well, I'll just run in
and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'"