Just Joking

May - Jokes to Spring to!


The Light bulb

I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I went into work early and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.
Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde.....it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I was doing.
"Shh", I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out.
The blonde started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.


The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I asked her not to do that.
"Why? "
Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs.
" At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked,
"Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"
Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
OH...I get It!" she beamed.
"So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."


How often do we misinterpret the obvious?

In an elementary school science class four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a condom. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in condom - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment?"
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."


Talking clock

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.
"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole, it's ten past three in the morning!"


Just Fred

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he is in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for the last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After awhile I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred." The officer walked away in tears laughing.


A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.


Ever Wonder

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?
6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have thesame tune?
14. Stop singing and read on....
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? ...


Golf Joke

   Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2004 models.I saw one I really liked."
MAN: How much?"
WOMAN: $60,000.
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing. ... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Marriage (Part I)

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ..... whether you're here or not."


Marriage (Part II)

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"


Marriage (Part III)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."


FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note:
I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note....
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"


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