July - Summer Fun!

Things that Hallmark Cards Don't Cover!

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new baby!
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

The Pharmacy

A woman walks into the pharmacy and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
He asks, "What do you want with arsenic?"
She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman."
The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman."
She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

What does a kiss taste like?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
"No, I don't," said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled,
"Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"

Newfie Hunter

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like newfies. The game warden ordered the newfie to show his hunting license, and the newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin' license, boy?"
The newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "This ain't no Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"
The newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"
Again the newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the newfie "Just where the heck are you from?"
The newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert."..

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly...
7. Feel better? Works for me!

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie . Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third cons! ecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."
Lawyers. Gotta love'm!

A dumb blonde Joke?

A blind man goes into a bar, finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After a few minutes, he says, "Hey bartender, do you want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
Suddenly the bar falls deathly quiet. Then the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
One: The bartender is a blonde woman.
Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.
Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.
Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Five: I'm a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

The dangers of Farting!

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

Those Newfies have a gilded tongue ... (PG RATING)

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your recipes just Smile and think of this. A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation. When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all....
" She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms... I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house... a man got out and said,
"Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1000, even though we will not be able to use it....
Here is her entry:
"Carnation milk is best of all,
no tits to pull,
no hay to haul,
no buckets to wash,
no shit to pitch,
just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch."

RCMP with a sense of humor!

Toronto Globe & Mail March 30, 2004:
In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below. One morning in March 2004 about 3AM RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta.
Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas.
The car's speedometer was showing 20-30- 40 then 50 KPH, but its still stuck in the snow. Constable Wisen , having a sense of humor, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car.
The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him. This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over".
This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMPs' special training and just how can the Constable run 50 KPH.
The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good

Elderly

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."
"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"
"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

The Ranch

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word.
" Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,
"I want you to send her the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.

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