August - Soaking up
The Computer Age...
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKS: "Daddy, how was I born?"
DAD SAYS: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
"Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. "We sneaked
into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard
drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine
months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male! "
Good old ones!
A North Carolina redneck passed away and left his
entire estate in trust for his beloved widow. However, she can't touch it until
she turns 14.
Folks in Georgia now go to some movies in groups of 18 or
more. They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
drinking age in Tennessee has been raised to 32. It seems they want to keep
alcohol out of the high schools.
In Mississippi, reruns of "Hee Haw"
are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a West Virginia redneck
is married? There's dried tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Tennessee has a new $3,000,000 State Lottery. The winner gets $3 a year
for a million years.
Recently, the Governor' Mansion in Little Rock
burned down. In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
thing to ever come out of Arkansas is Interstate 40.
An Alabama State
Trooper stopped a pickup truck. He asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
driver said, "Bout what?"
Top Ten Complaint Canadians have against Americans
1. Won't acknowledge enormous cultural
contributions of Howie Mandel.
2. We're pretty sure they're holding Wayne
Gretzky down there against his will.
3. Every time we mention the city
"Regina," they won't stop giggling.
4. Incredibly, they only have one word
5. In American encyclopedias, Canada is often called "North
Dakota's gay neighbor"
6. They call it American cheese, even though it was
invented by Canadian superstar Gordon Lightfoot
7. They've never even heard
of our most popular superhero, Captain Saskatchewan
8. Two words: "Weird
9. Get all confused when we ask a question that ends with "eh?"
Not enough guys named "Gordie"
Dear Abby, I am a crack dealer in Toronto, Ontario
who has a steady flow of customers from the nearby junior high school. My
parents live in a suburb of Brantford, and one of my sisters, who lives in
Calgary, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently
been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on
my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Barrie. I have two brothers. One
is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Orillia for the murder of a
teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of
sexual misconduct with his children.
I have recently become engaged to
marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in New Brunswick and is still a
part-time "working girl" in a brothel.
All things considered, my main
problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into
the family. I certainly want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell
her about my cousin, who is a Ottawa Senators fan???
Signed, Worried About
I went to the store the other day, and I was in
there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop
writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy,
how about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the
So I called him an inappropriate name. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him another
He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a
little fun each day. It's important.
An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on a
reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials
sent to interview him...
"Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have
observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material
wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The chief stared at the
government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied...
white man found the land, Indians were running it...
No Taxes, No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo, Plenty Beaver,
Women did all the work, Medicine Man was
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night enjoying
Then the chief leaned back ...
"Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."
What part of "Thou Shalt Not" didn't you
Hacker's in Heaven
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the
better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a
contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers
and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the
screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God
announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all
when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see it Jesus
fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in
vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. and stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus'
program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Andy Rooney's TIPS FOR TELEMARKETERS Three Little Words That Work
(1)The three little words are: "Hold on,
" Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off
(instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much
more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you
eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time
to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and
records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used
to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and
get someone at home. What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no
one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7
times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call
and it kicks your number out of their system. Since doing this, my phone calls
have decreased dramatically.
THIS IS THE BEST ONE
(3) Another Good
Idea: When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these
"ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the
return envelope. Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive
them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around
50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that
case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool
little, postage-paid return envelopes. One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza
coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send
them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just
make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the
envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing!
the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in
the mail. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best
of all they're paying for it...Twice! Let's help keep our postal service busy
since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and
that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !
If enough people follow these tips, it will work!
Careful what you ask!
A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits
down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man. The young punk
has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a
tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His
entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big,
bright red, yellow and green feathers.
The old man glares at the young punk
for him for the next ten miles, as the bus travels across the city. Finally,
the punk looks across at the old man, and yells,
"What are you looking at,
old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"
a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy,
I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you
might be my son."
A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law
case for a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case, the friend
and client called on the lawyer, expressed his appreciation of his work and
handed him a handsome Moroccan leather wallet.
The lawyer looked at the
wallet in astonishment and handed it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet
could not possibly compensate him for his services.
"My fee for that work,
" acidly snapped the attorney, "is five hundred dollars."
The client calmly
opened the wallet, removed a one thousand dollar bill from it, replaced it with
a five hundred dollar bill and handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.
A Doctors Oath!
A man went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, I've
got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise not
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man
said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the
doctor has ever seen. Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to
the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my
honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't ever happen again. Now
what seems to be the problem?"