September - Jokes to Fall for!

Actual Top 10 Answering Machine Messages

Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.

8. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling....and I'll think about returning your call.

7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.

5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner.

3. Hi. Now YOU say something.

2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.

What my mother taught me......

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
" Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Complications

After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over in bed and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on the nightstand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Your brother?"
"No, it isn't my brother" she said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."

Gives a new meaning to spaghetti!!!!!

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey",she said, "You've received a very strange post card today". "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later", he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted!!!
On the card was written, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti"; "Two with meatballs, one without" .

Canadian version of the popular "Survivor" show

CBC-TV is developing a Canadian version of the popular "Survivor" show. The rules are simple.
Each contestant must travel to Alberta. Once there, they must go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray, through Grande Prairie, Peace River, Hinton,Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks,Drumheller, Lloydminster and back to Edmonton again.
They must drive a Hyundai with a bumper sticker that reads:
"I VOTED FOR CHRETIEN. I'M GAY AND I'M HERE TO TAKE YOUR GUNS. I ONLY SPEAK FRENCH AND I'M VOTING FOR KYOTO."

Funnies

Don't mess with this lady. A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Let's go for "Ask a stupid question ...". A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

Caught for speeding The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could, sir."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

Too Late The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife," said the man.

A Little Labour Day Humor

Subject: Unionized Sex
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $70.00 and the girls get $30.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
"That's more like it!", the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 65-year old woman in the corner,
"but according to union rules, Ethel there has seniority."

Rent for Apartment

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady!

wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Do you keep widdle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says to the storekeeper in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

Subject: France

France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.

Hit The Floor!

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this... it's a true story... On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black.
One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The woman froze.
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed.
She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.
She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp hundred dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan

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