September - Jokes
to Fall for!
Actual Top 10 Answering Machine Messages
Recorded and Verified by The World Famous
International Institute of Answering Machine Messages:
10. My wife and I
can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number,
we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
9. Hello, you are
talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need
siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity
at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me,
leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for
calling....and I'll think about returning your call.
7. Hi! John's
answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very
slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the
money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't
lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a
female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
5. A is for academics, B is
for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
4. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a
"sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2. Hi. I'm probably home; I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you. And the Number 1Actual
Answering Machine Message Recorded and verified by The World Famous
International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
1. Hello, you've
reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're
doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like
doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done
brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
What my mother taught me......
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that
will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so,
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of
that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean
underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught
me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as
if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into
this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about
BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
mother taught me about ENVY.
There are millions of less fortunate children
in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
" Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it
when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls
over in bed and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another
man on the nightstand by the bed.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she
replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he asked.
not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
it isn't my brother" she said.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
Gives a new meaning to spaghetti!!!!!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an
Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous,
she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to
secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would
also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how
he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to
simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later,
he came home to his confused wife. "Honey",she said, "You've received a very
strange post card today". "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later",
he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned
white, and fainted!!!
On the card was written, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti"; "Two with meatballs, one without" .
Canadian version of the popular "Survivor" show
CBC-TV is developing a Canadian version of the
popular "Survivor" show. The rules are simple.
Each contestant must travel
to Alberta. Once there, they must go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray, through
Grande Prairie, Peace River, Hinton,Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary,
Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks,Drumheller, Lloydminster and back to Edmonton
They must drive a Hyundai with a bumper sticker that reads:
VOTED FOR CHRETIEN. I'M GAY AND I'M HERE TO TAKE YOUR GUNS. I ONLY SPEAK FRENCH
AND I'M VOTING FOR KYOTO."
Don't mess with this lady. A flight attendant was
stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she
extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not
Let's go for "Ask a stupid question ...". A lady was
picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one
big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any
The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."
for speeding The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could,
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge A truck driver was driving along
on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows
it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars
are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of
his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and
says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."
Drunk? The drunken wino was stumbling down
the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled
up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk".
wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino
said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
Too Late The man
was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As
he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture."
The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
"My wife," said the man.
A Little Labour Day Humor
Subject: Unionized Sex
A dedicated Teamsters
union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect,
decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he
asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied. "I'm sorry, it
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
house gets $70.00 and the girls get $30.00."
Mightily offended at such
unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more
equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he
reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."
like it!", the union man said. So he handed the Madam $100.00, looked around
the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an
65-year old woman in the corner,
"but according to union rules, Ethel there
Rent for Apartment
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees
to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he
tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done,
realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary
send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I
am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I
was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was
plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't
any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note,
the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful
apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty
of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,
please do not blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady!
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and
asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Do you keep widdle wabbits?" And the
shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you
want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like
that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"
She, in turn, puts her hands
on her knees, leans forward and says to the storekeeper in a quiet voice, "I
don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."
France announced today that it plans to ban
fireworks at Euro Disney, following last night's display that caused soldiers
at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.
Hit The Floor!
For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take
on this... it's a true story... On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman
won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took break from the slots
for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to
stash the quarters in her room.
"I'll be right back and we'll go to eat,"
she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she
was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both
One of them was tall...very tall...an intimidating figure. The
Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next
thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But
racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared
at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't
read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!! Her
hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face
She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will
she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and
was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced
the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and the another second, and
then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move.
her. My God, she thought, "I'm trapped and about to be robbed!" Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said,
"Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of
quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator
floor A shower of coins rained down on her.
Take my money and spare me, she
prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am,
if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The
one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying
mightily to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up
at the two men.
They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled
to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the
average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our
floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He
bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too
humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her.
How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as
though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of
them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator
arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room.
seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make
it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped
into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to
the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and
went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were
delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp
hundred dollar bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan