November - Jokes to
Qantas pilots "gripe sheet"
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be
said that Gound crews lack a sense of humor!
Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the
solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way,
Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident..... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced
left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in
altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause
throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten
up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
installed. And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming
from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a
S: Took hammer away from midget
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the
Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and
yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's
Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add
some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so
fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said,
"Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart
healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought
forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said,
"It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before
the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the
potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off
the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried
them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might
consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created
McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with
that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple
bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. Thought for the day ....There is more
money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection
of what to do with them.
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he
came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when people
are sleeping on top of each other?"
She was a little taken aback, but
decided to tell him the truth... "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with
the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!"
There goes the theory that Grandmas know everything!
Bubba and Earl
Bubba and Earl, two rednecks from Arkansas were in
a local Wal-Mart when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They
bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle
was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st place, a year's supply of
gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at
Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied,
"Great, I love spaghetti!"
Earl asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the
"Not so good," replied Bubba.
"I reckon I'm gonna go
back to paper."
Potentially and Realistically?
A young boy went up to his father and asked him,
"Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd
sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you
learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great
The boy then went to his sister and asked, would you sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God I LOVE Brad
Pitt, I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you NUTS?!?!?
The boy then
went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million
bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went
back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied,
Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............
But, Realistically,..... we're living with two Tramps and a Queer.
Transport Safety Board
So, I was reading the other day that the Ministry
of Transport Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the last five
years "covertly" funded a project with Ford & Chrysler auto makers whereby
Ford & Chrysler installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in
an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15
seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find, in 9 of the 10
provinces, that the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
The other province, the province of Newfoundland and Labrador was
different, where 89.3% of their drivers final words were: "Hold my beer and
My wife is a sex object.
Every time I ask for
sex, she objects.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men -
don't and stop, unless they are used together.
There are three
stages to sex in a person's life:
Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good
partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Do infants enjoy infancy as
much as adults enjoy adultery?
Marriage is the only war where you get
to sleep with the enemy.
Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same
thing as a French kiss, only down under.
Q: What are the three biggest
tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't!
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
don't have eyes.
Two married buddies are out drinking one night
when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the Stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells
at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, Well,
you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap
her on ass and say, "WHO'S HORNY".....?!!!" and she acts like she's sound
Things you'd like to say out load at work!
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're
full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see
you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind,
but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of
talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing
the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial
misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and
challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one
understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between
your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a
thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an
agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby
whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24 Do I look like a people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started
out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one
more service we offer.
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded
cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you
marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a
career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Here's some refreshing news:
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and
Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year,
male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they
give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical
rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to
Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women, while pregnant,
would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in
one night and not get lost.
Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together
and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the
best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I
reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the
Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man
lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he
won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said,
"You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and
alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had
left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's president
of the United States."
No Pets Allowed!
So these two women were out for a Saturday stroll.
One had a Doberman pincher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered
down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over
to that bar and get something to drink."
The one with the Chihuahua said,
"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman
said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the one with the
Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the
Doberman said, "You don't understand sir. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
bouncer said, "A Doberman pincher?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using
them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
lady with the Chihuahua figured 'what the heck', so she put on a pair of dark
glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady,
no pets allowed."
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand.
This is my Seeing-Eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua?
They gave me a f.....g Chihuahua???"