Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of
golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet
his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it!
We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early
" Months later, that special morning arrives, and there
they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me
a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who
is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe
you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt
and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! it's a great morning for sex or golf '
........ and she said,
"Take a sweater"
The 3 kick rule!
A lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot
and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The lawyer responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it." The old
farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in
California and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't
know how we settle disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this
with the Iowa Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What's that?
farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until
someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest
and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and
walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of
his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."
[I love this
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
A Louisiana State Trooper
A Louisiana State Trooper pulled a car over on US
165 about 2 miles south of the Louisiana/Arkansas State line. When the Trooper
asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and
Juggler and was on his way to Monroe to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He
didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by
juggling and asked if he the driver would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a ticket.
He told the Trooper he had sent his equipment
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper said he had some
flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he
could, so the Trooper got 3 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunken good old
boy, from Arkansas, got out, watched the performance, then went over to the
patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him and
went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought
he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail,
cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from
insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On
Welfare Depend on Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal
to kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously--no one gets out alive.
7. You're just
jealous because the voices only talk to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back
in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
13. God must love stupid
people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16. Ever stop to
think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better
than being under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal
Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because
MadCow Disease was already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is
26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a
chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is
there's no background music.
29.. The original point and click interface
was a Smith and Wesson.
30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is
A motorist was mailed a picture of his
car speeding through an automated radar post in Edmonton AB. A $40 speeding
ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
A Saskatchewan policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a
12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As the Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. Officer walked to her car window, flipping open
his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
"He replied, "Ma'am, Saskatchewan R.C.M.P. don't have
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
drove off. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify,
in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a
very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to
share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we
observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman
that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an
actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when
you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is
that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember
that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the
FINAL Thought for the day:
Men are like a fine wine. They
start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until
they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Who's he going to tell?
Pastor Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing
it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just
had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick
and persuaded him to preach the sermon for him that day.
As soon as the
Associate Pastor left the room, Pastor Norton headed out of town to a golf
course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone he knew from his Church. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone.
After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the
heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then! Pastor
Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short
of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him
The Lord smiled and replied: "Who's he going to tell?"
A New Glaucma
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him
that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming
into work today.
Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as
programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says:
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go
to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other
" The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard,
and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared
however. Do any of you know what happened to her?
" The cannibals disowned
all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss had left, the leader of
the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the
"You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders,
managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything, and YOU ate one
cleaner and it got noticed.
So hereafter please don't eat a person who is
Little Johnny at it again!
Little Johnny's next-door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home
from the hospital, the parents invited little Johnny's family to come over and
see their new baby.
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son
would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny's dad had a
long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said, "Now,
son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best
behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your
butt when we get back home." "
I promise not to mention his ears at all,"
said little Johnny.
At the neighbor's home, little Johnny leaned over the
crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at its mother and said, "Oh, what a
beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's
comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, "Thank you very much, Little
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect
little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did his doctor say he
could see well?
The mother a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why,
yes... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?"
said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he'd be damned if he needed to wear