January - Jokes to
Start the new year!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to
thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same
hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying
down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years
ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and
without noticing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile.... somewhere in
Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow
decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son
rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and they glanced up and
saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived! Dear.... I know you
are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are
allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I have just arrived and have
been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!
WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE
A little old lady answered a knock on the door
one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum
" Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got
any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the
young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too
hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with
that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this
vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your
carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped
back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut
off my electricity this morning."
Tale of the Blonde Horseback Rider
A young blonde woman decides to try horseback
riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the
horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops
along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She
tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side
of the horse anyway! The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its
Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap
away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and
over. As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees
her and unplugs the horse.
A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in
the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said
the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet,
However, the husband became suspicious and after a search of
the bedroom he discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint
about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your
clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,
"Tho-s-e lit-tle bastards!!"
(For all you folks from New Brunswick) The New Brunswick Cow
The only cow in a small Newfoundland village
stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy
a cow just across the gulf in New Brunswick for $200. They bought the cow from
New Brunswick and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the
time, and the people were pleased and very happy.
They decided to acquire a
bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have
to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the
pasture with their beloved cow. Finally the cow came into season.
whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter
what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he
could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to
ask the Vet, who was very wise, just what they should do. They told the Vet
what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If
he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the
front, she backs off. An approach from the side... she walks away to the other
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by
chance, buy this cow in New Brunswick ?"
The people were astonished, since
no one had ever mentioned where they had bought the cow.
"You are truly a
wise Vet," they said. "How in the world did you know we acquired this cow in
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is
from New Brunswick"
...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our
...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
is such a! long word?
...why doctors call what they do "practice"?
you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?
...why lemon juice is made
with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?
there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
...who tastes dog food when it has a
"new & improved" flavor?
...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible
black box ?
... why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
...why they are
called apartments when they are all stuck together?
...if con is the
opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
...why they call the
airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?
AND... In case you need
further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some
actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not
use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use
like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen
dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this
save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car
or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off thos e forkl ifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as apposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for
the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company. I blame
the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this
garment does not enable you tofly."
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt
to stop chain with yourhand or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening
Corny but funny
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says,
"Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in
love get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I
was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" Exclaimed Daisy.
10. A guy walks into the
psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can
clearly see you're nuts."
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,
"I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive..."
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in
my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.
15. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him
$50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks
are too high.'
16. A man came to the hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut off your arms".
17. I went to a seafood disco rave last
week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly;
but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Saying the right thing!
Marty woke up at home with a huge hangover. He
forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sat down and saw his
clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looked around the room
and saw that it was in perfect order and spotlessly clean. So was the rest of
the house. He took the aspirins and saw a note on the table that read: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he went
to the kitchen and sure enough there was a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Marty asked him, "Son, what
happened last night?"
His son said, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave
yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
asked, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me?"
His son replied, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me
alone, I'm married!"
A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing -priceless!
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind
him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are
Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on
your clock will move." "
Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus'
office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Why Men Pee Standing Up
Seems God was just about done with creating the
universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to
split them between Adam and Eve. He told them that one of the things he had
left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a
very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you
would like that." Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to
me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man
should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." Oh, On and on
he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if
Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing
that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on
the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing
with delight all the while. God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God
said to Eve, "Well, here's the other thing and I guess you can have it."
"What's it called? Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
FINALLY A MALE BLONDE JOKE
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a
heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle
Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the
phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and
rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten SOB ," says the husband, "my
wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Instead of
going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and
spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night,
he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours
with a tirade about his actions.
Finally his wife stopped and simply said
to him, "how would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?"
which he replied, "that would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he
didn't see his wife.
Tuesday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see her.
On Thursday, the
swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the
corner of his left eye.