March - Jokes to
A Toronto Maple Leaf fan, a Montreal Canadians fan
and a Boston Bruin fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere
possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible
crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers,
they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial
finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released
after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for
their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday
today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your
The Boston Bruin fan was first in line (he had drunk the least),
so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my
back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Boston Bruin fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with
pain when the punishment was done.
The Montreal Canadien fan was next up
(he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said, "All
Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take
15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Habs fan crying. The
Toronto Maple Leafs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate),
but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You
support the greatest team in the world, your city has some of the best and most
loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
you, your most Royal highness," the Maple Leaf fan replied. "In recognition of
your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not
only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave,"
the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what
you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik
"Tie the Montreal Canadien fan to my back."
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're
as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have
a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is
very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his
fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party,
and my name is Kevin."
This morning (10/25/04) on CNN, one of the
headlines going along the bottom of the screen was:
"Due to polar bear
migration, parents in northwestern Canada and Alaska are being advised not to
let their children dress in seal costumes for Halloween this year."
Why the chicken crossed the road!
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken
cross the road I am now against it!
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really
care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is
on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us.
There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the
screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we
have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had
been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the
unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling
SUV. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a
decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the
chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to
cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a
support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe
this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road
paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about
your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my
eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he
cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed
I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of
how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the
chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was an
CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has
ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned
that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook -- and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with
THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Too smart for 1st grade!
A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having
trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your
Harry answered, "I'm to smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in
the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a
test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions
were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3
Harry: "9" .
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What
does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment,
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
The principal wondered, "Why does she ask such a question?!"
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man
Harry: "Digs a hole."
Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C
and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does
a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry says, "Shake hands."
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and
ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in
the fifth grade -- I got the last seven questions wrong!"
Just The Facts
1. Can you cry under water?
2. When we were
young we used to go "skinny dipping," now we just "chunkydunk."
important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated
instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do
banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but
it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is
it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to
put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a
baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to
go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but
you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put
money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose
from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911
operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. I signed up for an
exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up
screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
19. If raising
children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something
20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live
Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could
see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather
than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted
to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off
his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my
brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she
should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to
wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked,
"Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my
boots." ... that' worthy of a DOH!
Answers don't really matter at all. The
process you use to reach your conclusions are the important part.
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote
reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the
old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the
weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to
his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of
the village should collect wood to be prepared, Being a practical leader, after
several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National
Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks
like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the
weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them
to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the
National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he
asked. "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he
called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the
winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like
it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?"
the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood
A Chicken, a Horse, and a Harley!
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of
whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell
into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail,
for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the
Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies,
Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then
lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him
up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up
Louisiana Ghost Story
This happened about a month ago, just outside a
little town in the bayou country of Louisiana; and while it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's for real.
A stranded man was on the side of
the road hoping to catch a ride on a terribly dark night while in the middle of
a raging thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly as he realized no cars were going
to go by. It was raining so hard he could scarcely see his hand in front of his
face, when suddenly he saw a car moving slowly; approaching him and appearing
so very ghost-like in the rain.
The car slowly crept toward him and lurched
to a stop. Wanting a ride so very badly, the fellow quickly jumped in the car
and closed the door. It was only then that he realized there was no driver
behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving slowly forward and the stranded
man became terrified... too terrified to even think of jumping out and running.
In stark terror, he saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve,
with the brackish waters of the bayou just below and no guardrail to protect
him. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begged God to spare
his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou
where he would surely drown.
Then, just before the curve, a hand appeared
through the driver's window and gently turned the steering wheel, guiding the
car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the frightened man watched the
hand reappear every time the ghost car reached a curve.
near to death and with all any man could take, he jumped out of the car and ran
the rest of the way to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with
quavering voice, ordered two shots of whiskey and began to relate his story to
all about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped the bar, Patrons
and everybody got goose bumps when they realized that this guy was telling the
truth and wasn't just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked
into the bar and one said to the other, "Look Boudreaux, der's dat idiot dat
rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the pouring rain!"
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday
(10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with
a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over,
walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and
love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum
stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said,
"I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then
three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I
can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about
6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face.
A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses
around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little
accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back,
sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame.
How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to
say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear