March - Jokes to Warm You!

Leaf's Fan

A Toronto Maple Leaf fan, a Montreal Canadians fan and a Boston Bruin fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze.
All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Boston Bruin fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Boston Bruin fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Montreal Canadien fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said, "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Habs fan crying. The Toronto Maple Leafs fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your most Royal highness," the Maple Leaf fan replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.
"Tie the Montreal Canadien fan to my back."

The Nun

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

CNN

This morning (10/25/04) on CNN, one of the headlines going along the bottom of the screen was:
"Due to polar bear migration, parents in northwestern Canada and Alaska are being advised not to let their children dress in seal costumes for Halloween this year."

Why the chicken crossed the road!

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

RALPH NADER: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling

SUV. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was an historic inevitability.

CAPTAIN KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just witnessed eChicken2004, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

Too smart for 1st grade!

A first grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm to smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9" .
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, "Why does she ask such a question?!"
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Digs a hole."
Ms. Brooks: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry says, "Shake hands."
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth grade -- I got the last seven questions wrong!"

Just The Facts

1. Can you cry under water?
2. When we were young we used to go "skinny dipping," now we just "chunkydunk."
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
4. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
5. Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
6. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
9. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13. How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
14. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
15. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
16. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
17. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
18. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

BOOTS!

Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots." ... that' worthy of a DOH!
Answers don't really matter at all. The process you use to reach your conclusions are the important part.

Indian Chief

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the hell the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared, Being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy".

A Chicken, a Horse, and a Harley!

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!" :

Louisiana Ghost Story

This happened about a month ago, just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana; and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's for real.

A stranded man was on the side of the road hoping to catch a ride on a terribly dark night while in the middle of a raging thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly as he realized no cars were going to go by. It was raining so hard he could scarcely see his hand in front of his face, when suddenly he saw a car moving slowly; approaching him and appearing so very ghost-like in the rain.
The car slowly crept toward him and lurched to a stop. Wanting a ride so very badly, the fellow quickly jumped in the car and closed the door. It was only then that he realized there was no driver behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving slowly forward and the stranded man became terrified... too terrified to even think of jumping out and running.
In stark terror, he saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, with the brackish waters of the bayou just below and no guardrail to protect him. Still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begged God to spare his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou where he would surely drown.
Then, just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and gently turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Paralyzed with fear, the frightened man watched the hand reappear every time the ghost car reached a curve.
Finally, scared near to death and with all any man could take, he jumped out of the car and ran the rest of the way to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and with quavering voice, ordered two shots of whiskey and began to relate his story to all about his supernatural experience.
A silence enveloped the bar, Patrons and everybody got goose bumps when they realized that this guy was telling the truth and wasn't just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one said to the other, "Look Boudreaux, der's dat idiot dat rode in our car while we was pushin' it in the pouring rain!"

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger. Then, I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand. I work from side to side, until I can get both hands inside. Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS.

Fart Joke

A lady walks into a Furniture Store. She browses around, then spots the perfect leather sofa and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, sure enough, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely leather sofa?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

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