April - Wet Humor!

Spiders

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that crap in our garden."

Kids.....

College professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're a$$holes!!!

Newfie

A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St.John's. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a Lambs Rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before him. T
he flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

Reasons to Smile

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

(U.S.) Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

Two alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington (replace W.. with Ottawa, if you prefer). The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eaten' boy?"
"Members of Parliament, same as you," replied the small gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down on the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here, hmm, how do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'them by the leg, and shake the shit out of them, and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of an MP, there ain't nothing' left but an ass**** and a briefcase."

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

Damn women drivers!!

This morning on a local interchange, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel - it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers!!

Good Advice

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you:
The following day I stopped smoking.

8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; (??!)





. . . . This morning ... I stopped reading ...

My kind of Woman

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said,"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down......."

How to call the police

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you few seconds ago Because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all". Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)

Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the town's people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 60 years."

Woman's Revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

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