April - Wet
A father watched his daughter playing in the
garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl
was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those
two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy
Longlegs." Her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"
the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and
stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that crap in our garden."
College professor was doing a study, testing the
senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children
the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by
color and flavor. The children began to say:
Finally, the professor gave them all
honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children
could identify the taste. "Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what
your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in
horror, spit hers out, and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're
A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight
to St.John's. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie
asked for a Lambs Rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before him.
he flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips."
The Newfie handed his drink back to the
attendant and said "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I
can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly
you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose
from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?
good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be
sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an
exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any
loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to
tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our
life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but FATcells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
(U.S.) Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a
teacher - and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the
swamp near Washington (replace W.. with Ottawa, if you prefer). The smaller one
turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much
bigger than me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't
"Well," said the big 'gator, what you been eaten' boy?"
"Members of Parliament, same as you," replied the small gator.
Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down on the other side of the swamp near
the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings."
"Same here, hmm, how do you
"Well, I crawl up under one of them Lexus and wait for one to
unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'them by the leg, and shake the shit
out of them, and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see
your problem. You ain't getting' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get
done shakin' the shit out of an MP, there ain't nothing' left but an ass****
and a briefcase."
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had
just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train,
looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a
well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but
after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing
the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You
Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman
shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know,
sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You
eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Damn women drivers!!
This morning on a local interchange, I looked over
to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her
face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away
for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup!
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she
scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of
my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel - it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, burned Big Jim and the
Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important
Damn women drivers!!
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill
The following day I stopped smoking.
8 days ago, I read that
drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
I read that having sex can kill you; (??!)
. . . . This
morning ... I stopped reading ...
My kind of Woman
An old man and woman were married for many years,
even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and
yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I
die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for
the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced
black magic because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's
relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket
at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to
party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety,
asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out
of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
wife put down her drink and said,"Let him dig. I had him buried upside
How to call the police
George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going
up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back
door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Are any of those people in
your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and
that he should simply stay in his house, lock his doors and an officer would be
along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you few seconds ago Because there
were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've
just shot them all". Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police
cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips
residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the
Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George
said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story)
A few minutes before the church services started,
the town's people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from
evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the
fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the
old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you
with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could
cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony for all eternity??"
was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of
The man calmly replied,"Been married to your sister for 60 years."
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a
remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your
TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him