May - Here's Some Blooming Jokes!
Nurse
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a
difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to
give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to
ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate
his vitals from worry about his testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and
sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one
hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she
takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."
The
man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you
very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e
- m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
Words Women Use
Fine - This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes - If
she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes
if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping
around the house
Nothing - This is the calm before the storm. This
means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with
"nothing" usually end in "fine".
Go Ahead - This is a dare, not
permission, DON'T DO IT!
Loud Sigh - Although not actually a word, the
loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are
an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing".
That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous
statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to
think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks - This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary.
If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and
back out of the room slowly.
This is for men! Women can read it for a
chuckle, men should memorize it ...
The Reverend John Fluff
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small
town. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady
of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy.
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?"
"Sure", she said with a
slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she
began to weave back and forth.
The Reverend realized that she'd had far too
much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments,
the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her
waist.
The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub."
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and
said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."
The landlord nodded and
said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.
How many?
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE (or PMS) does it
take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't
even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE
DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't
be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in
the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of
God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to
change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND
UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE
NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED
FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT
WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO
CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! . . .
I'm sorry. What was the
question?
A DOGGONE GOOD STORY
Anyone who has pets will really like this. You'll
like it even if you don't and may decide you need one.
Mary and her
husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character. Whenever Mary and Jim
had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave
their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his
fancy.Inevitably someone would forget and something would come up missing Mary
or Jim would go to Lucky's toy box in the basement and there the treasure would
be, amid all of Lucky's favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his
toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It
happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was
going to die of this disease... she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled
the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.
The night before she
was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her...what
would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim he was Mary's
dog through and through. If I die Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He
won't understand that I didn't want to leave him. The thought made her sadder
than thinking of her own death. The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than
her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim
took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully but the little dog just drooped,
whining and miserable. But finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital.
When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn't even make it up the
steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her
to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn't come to her when she
called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary
woke for a second she couldn't understand what was wrong. She couldn't move her
head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when
Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed with every
treasure Lucky owned! While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip
after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite
things in life. He had covered her with his love. Mary forgot about dying.
Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together
every night.
It's been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free.
Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toybox, but Mary
remains his greatest treasure.
Iimmigration Test
How to pass an immigration test in Canada...
Mujibar was trying to get into Canada legally through Immigration. The
Officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed most of the required tests, but there
is one more compulsory test. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Canada."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The officer said, "Make a sentence
using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few
minutes and said, "Mister Officer, I am ready.
" The Officer said, "Go
ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I
pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now lives in a
neighbourhood near you, and works at a Rogers help desk.
Windows
98: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2
bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
Learn something new every day.....
Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything
had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's
invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry,
because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at
sea) hit it,! it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began
again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below
decks in bundles you can see what could(and did) happen. Methane began to build
up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern,
BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was
determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were
always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the
sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came
into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of
methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T " , (Ship High In Transport) which
has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You
probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, made of plastic, and is dangerous to children.
The other,
you use to carry your groceries.
Slinkies
Some people are like Slinkies...
Not really
good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them
down a flight of stairs.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes
age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
them.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (keep this
In mind if you are one of those grouches;)
3. Keep learning: Learn more
about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until
you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots
and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and
move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is yourself. LIVE
while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's
family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your
refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is
unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9.
Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a
foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you
love that you love them, at every opportunity. And if you don't send this to at
least 4 people - who cares? Just share it with as many people as you want But
do share ..
Colonoscopies!
A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me
NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5.
"You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the
trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left
hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand
doesn't fit, you must quit!"
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my
dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12.
"God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of them all...........
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there."
Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all of his life,
had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all
my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after
life with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the
ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife
said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she went with the box
and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and
they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife
replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him
that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to
tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!?"
"I sure did," said
the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."
"Fluctuations"
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to
exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short
line... just one guy in front of me... The guy in front of me was an Asian guy
who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated...
He asked the teller, "why it change? yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen
- today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller says, "fluctuations"
The Asian guy says, "fluc you white guys too!"
