June - Jokes to warm You!

A. A. A. D. D.

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you?
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

An assassin for the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 3 men, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job.
The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
"The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man, "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home."
Now they're down to one man left to test. Again they lead him to the same door to the same room and hand him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man.
He wiped the sweat from his brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

Hello, toes!

An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this earth. First, he addressed his toes. "Hello, toes!" he said, "How are you, toes? You know, you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park every summer Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy birthday, toes!" "
Hello, knees," he continued. "How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy birthday, knees!"
Then he looked down at his crotch. "Hello, Willie, you little bugger. If you were alive today, you'd be 92."

Calling in sick to work

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!" "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter.... ...and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was to painful to talk about, which it was.
"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.
Up to 60 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and says: "The airbag."

Religous Vaction!

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless, long-legged blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and sweetly said "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them, and then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?! So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again the two priests, incognito, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous topless, long-legged blonde, wearing a G-string, taking her sweet time came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father, " and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute, young lady."
"Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it. But I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Frances."

Birth control:

After having their 10th child,a couple decide enough is enough .The not-to-bright husband visits his local doc, and tells him that he and his wife cannot afford anymore children.The Doc explains the procedure for vasectomy , but realizing his patient is penniless, warns him that it does,nt come cheap. A far less costly alternative, advises the doc , "is to get a firework light it ,place it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10. His patient is astounded "now listen here doc, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed brightest bloke, but I just can't see how putting a fire work in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me in anyway?"
"Trust me, just follow the instructions" says the doc "it'll do the job".
So the fella goes home and does as he is told. He places a lit firwork in a beer can and hold it to his ear .
"One, two,three, four, five" he counts ,then he stops , places the can between his legs and switches hands to count........

THE FIRST AFFAIR

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

THE SECOND AFFAIR

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!

THE THIRD AFFAIR

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwarz is dead!"

THE FOURTH AFFAIR

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent". "ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. The barman replied "Yes". So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"4 cents" he replied.
"FOUR CENTS?" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!!"

THE FIFTH AFFAIR

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky, my darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something that I must confess."
"There isn't anything to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's alright, go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."

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