July - Fun In The Sun!
You Might Live In New Brunswick ...
If you consider it a sport to gather your food by
drilling through 36 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the
food will swim by, you might live in New Brunswick.
If you're proud
that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Bathurst
is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in New Brunswick.
If
your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you might live in
New Brunswick.
If you instinctively walk like a penguin for six months
out of the year, you might live in New Brunswick.
If your dad's suntan
stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in
New Brunswick.
If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
you might live in New Brunswick.
If you have had a lengthy telephone
conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in New
Brunswick.
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE New Brunswicker if:
1. "Vacation" means going South to St. Stephen
for the weekend.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several
people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat"
to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
5. You can drive 110 km per hour
through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You
design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
7. Driving is
better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
8. You know
all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
9. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.
10. Down South to you means Saint John.
11. Your 1st. of
July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
12. You have more kilometers on
your snow blower than your car.
13. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
14. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your
friends .
Thought all you budding chemists might appreciate
this... I just wish I would have thought of it on some of my exams... I can see
it working in Philosophy.
The following is supposedly an actual question
given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one
student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as
well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or
endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their
beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist
in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of
these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This
gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate
faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept
the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that
I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure
that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this
theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting
any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Love Dress
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently
married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in and was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing,
and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. I'm
waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the
daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me
to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Everytime he
sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours
on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she
got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights,
put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she
whispered, sensually. Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Dear Tech Support:
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from
Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall
performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had
operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0
un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal
Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.
And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply will
not load. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it causes
the system to crash.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
Reply:
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.Try entering the command C:\
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.
If all
works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications
Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0
to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a
very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files.
Whatever you
do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and
cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software
to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and
Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck, Tech Support
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway
A Texan
A Texan was having a drink at a bar with an old
friend when he noticed an attractive and chesty young lady seated at the bar
eating a hamburger. As he held eye contact with her, she swallowed a bite and
it must have gone down the wrong pipe for she began choking. She was turning
blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress.
The Texan said to his
friend, 'That there gal is having a bad time!'
The other agreed and said,
'Think we should go help?'
'You bet,' and with that he ran over and said,
'Can you breathe????'
She shook her head no.
He said, 'Can you speak??'
She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked
her on the butt. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the
obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.
Smiling to his friend,
the Texan said, 'Funny how that Hind Lick manoeuvre always works'
Peanuts
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of
seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handfull of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After
approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another
handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the
ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts
themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old
teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?" he asks
puzzled.
Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around
them.............
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking
like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is
broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What
happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a
fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't
do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did,"
says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with
it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy..... "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is
driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving
violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to
the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a
few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone
deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling
ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh,
God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda...no. In fact, he got out
three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his
Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering
you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's
terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he
did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He
said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times
to get his attention but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin;
there's no paper on this side either."
