September - Funny
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he
BE SURE TO LOCK
YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS AT HOME.
A LOCAL man was found dead
in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down
in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes. A
banana was sticking out of his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
Some oldies but goodies ...
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I
can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't
sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't
inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start"
for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, **** it!
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is
Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've
even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer
still says he can't find it...
Customer: I have problems printing in
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Tech support: What's on your monitor
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't
get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here.
Ah...that one does work
Tech support: Your password is the small
letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can't get on the
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can
you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
support: What anti-virus program do you use?
support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the
cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least:.... Tech support:
"Okay Bob, let's press the
control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard,
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives
his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the island. The attendant at
the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who
the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a
quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees
fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks
They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de
good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
They're for resting my balls
on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem
boys at BMW tink of everything".
An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends
his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a
few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run!
The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd
again cheered, "RUN, RUN!"
The Irishman enjoyed the game and began
screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter came up and four balls went by.
The umpire called "walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye lazy bastard, run!"
people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.
A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained,
"He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Irishman stood up and screamed,
"Walk with pride, laddie!"
Eino--a Finlander from Cook County in northern
Minnesota was an older, single gentleman who was born and raised a Lutheran.
Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a
venison steak. N
ow, all of Eino's neighbors were Catholic.....and since it
was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma
from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic
faithful that they finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit
Eino, and suggested that Eino convert to Catholicism. After several classes and
much study, Eino attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over
Eino, he said, "You were born a Lutheran and raised a Lutheran, but now you are
Eino's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into
Eino's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold Eino, he stopped in
amazement and watched......
There stood Eino, clutching a small bottle of
water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You
were born a deer, and raised a deer, but now you are a walleye."
Sister Genevieve agreed to accompany Father
Bulgatti on the golf course, although she herself had never played the game. At
the first hole Father Bulgatti teed off and drove his club through the ball
with a powerful swing. Unfortunately the club head only grazed the ball
sufficiently to cause it to roll off the tee.
"Crap - I missed the God
Darn ball!" shrieked father Bulgatti.
"Please Father - I did not come
with you to hear the name of our Lord taken in vain."
apologized profusely and they continued on. His drives were less than perfect
and were going into the rough and even into the woods, but he held his tongue
until the 7th hole when he was making a short approach shot from three feet off
the green and swung his club right through the ball, touching ball only with
the toe of his club. As the ball slid into even deeper grass off the second
cut, he exploded, "Crap Crap Crap - I missed theGod darn ball again!"
"Father - PLEASE - I wil not stand for this - if you blaspheme the lord
again I pray that he will punish you where you stand."
was duely remorseful and realized his conduct was inexcuseable. His behaviour
was exemplary until the 16th hole when he teed up in front of a water hole. He
slowly moved his club into his backswing and with all the energy he could
muster he drove the club towards the ball knowing with certainty he would clear
the water and land near the green. The club sang through the air. and
unfortunately did not make contact with the ball, but rather dug into the sod
just in front of his tee, strking the ball only sufficiently for it to fall
harmlessly off the tee.
"Crap- I missed the God darn ball again -
moment the heavens turned grey and a bolt of lightning flashed through the
skies, hitting and killing sister Genevieve. Father Bulgatti stood dumfounded,
shocked at the tragedy unveiling before him and unable to understand what had
caused Sister Genevieve to be snatched from her mortal existence at the prime
of her life.
Suddenly the clouds opened up and a deep booming voice
like thunder echoed through the clouds: "CRAP - MISSED AGAIN!"
Tricky Old Man
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery
store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the
jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler
looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring and showed it to
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and
brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," the
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." T
jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque and
I know you need to make sure that my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and
you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds.
I'll pick the ring up
Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned
the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know." said the old
man, "But can you imagine the weekend I just had?"
Engineers and Management
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am".
The woman below replied, "You are
in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are
between 41 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist,
"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make
of that information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management".
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen
to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which
you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your
problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before
we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"
7 reasons not to mess with a child
A little girl: was talking to her teacher about
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to
swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;
it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven
I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She
would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one
little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher: paused and said, "But no one
knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
drawing, the girl: replied,
"They will in a minute."
school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year
olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a
family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
One day a little girl was
sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in
contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well,
every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my
hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a
while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it
will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer,
she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the
back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the
matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the
ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow
shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in
the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the
table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple
tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at
the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the
newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."
her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and
said, "Wow! How many is a Brazilian?"