October - Jokes to
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest
episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea
and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss
of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them
out of the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms
violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on
his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely
containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident, walked up and
asked,"What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk still staring down
replied,"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!"
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in
her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning
off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off
to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her,then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who
arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi,Grandma, you're looking good! How
are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly
wrote a note to the nephew... "They won't let me fart."
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine
when he saw two men along the road eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his
driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are
you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my
house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two
children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along"
the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us
also, and bring your family too"
They all entered the car, which was no
easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, ! one
of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do
it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
What does your father do?
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up --
fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.
little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded
him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay
cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money
in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with
some guy and make love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken
by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises
and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your
"No," the boy said, "He works for the Republican National
Committee and helped re-elect George Bush, but I was too embarrassed to say
that in front of the other kids."
A Newfie was a little overweight, so his doctor
put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Newfie returned, he shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you
follow my instructions?"
The Newfie nodded..."I'll tell you though, I
thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
The Paint Can
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The
pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and, after
two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into
his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for
the required month," the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to
abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use
of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We
tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible... anything to keep our
minds off carnal thoughts.
One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of
paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man,
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our
church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his
head, "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either.
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor
asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a
patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up
a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a room with or without a view?"
"Life is about the stuff that
happens while you're trying to figure out what it's about."
When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked
the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat
was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged lady and was being used by
her little dog. The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and
said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to
find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train,
found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please,
lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose
and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and
chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke
up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the
wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos
on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out
Two Italian men
Two Italian men on a bus engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two
asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . .we don't speak aloud in public places about
our sex lives .. . . "
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."
I'll bet $5.00 that you're gonna read this again.
This is one of the best comeback lines of all
time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy
Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So,
General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they
visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing,
canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a
bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll
be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't
you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching
his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed
" No," he replied, "Arthritis
You Know Your From The Maritimes When...
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting
to pass a tractor..on the highway.
2."Vacation" means going to Moncton
for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know
several people who have hit a deer.
5. You often switch from "Heat" to
"A/C" in the same day.
6. You use a down filled comforter in the
7. You can drive 100 km through 13 feet of snow during a raging
blizzard without flinching.
8. You see people wearing hunting clothes
at social events.
9. You install security lights on both your house and
garage and go and leave both unlocked.
10. You think of the major food
groups as: Meat, Fish and Tim Hortons.
11. You carry jumper cables in
your car and your wife knows how to use them.
12. There are seven empty
cars running in the parking lot of the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
13. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
14. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
15. Your lingerie consists of tube socks and flannel
16. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still
Winter and Construction.
17. It takes three hours to go to the store
for one item, even when you're in a hurry because you have to stop and talk to
everybody in town. And Finally: You know you live in the Maritimes when...
18. You actually understand these jokes and forwardthem to all your
friends from the Maritimes.