November - Jokes to
These have to be original and genuine - no adult
is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding
his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one
for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how
old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties.
Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom
goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside
my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a
painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her
frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open
it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups.
"Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
TOD (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging
and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his
dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his
bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied,
"I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read:
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his
wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What
happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met
an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile
and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this
Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the
minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his
upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at
that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) Leaned over to me
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the
bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk
is screaming. What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to
flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles." With
that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...
"You idiot! You're
sitting on the mop bucket!"
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear
when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency
room in St.John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said,
"Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do. Johnny said, "I haven't got
da fingers." "What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers? Lord t'undrin Jesus
it's 2005! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da
Johnny says ... How da f---- was I suppose to pick dem up??
Two women meet in the after life. Following is the
conversation they had.
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi!
I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death
2nd woman: How
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So,
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there
somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the
attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked
everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
2nd woman: why?
1st woman: We'd both still be alive.
SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields, one less down, and bigger balls.
4. Baseball is Canadian (First game June 4, 1838, in Ingersoll, Ont.)
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers
10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts
11. In the war of 1812, started by
America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then
we burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away, so
we came home and partied... Go figure ...
12. Canada has the largest French
population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest
English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to
anyone. Anywhere. EVER.
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted
a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil
war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but
showed up just in time to get caught.
16. A Canadian invented Standard
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's
surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
18. The average
dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
don't marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro,
zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios
that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to
something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented
24. We have coloured money.
25. Our beer advertisements kick
ass BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
26. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to
fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools
together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice
boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved
further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet
Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut
The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"
replied, "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
the trouble started ...
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud.
You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the
conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005.
following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a
hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I
thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July
dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this,
but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why
jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!!
I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
G: "Excuse me?"
G: "Yes. Coffee,
please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
G : "You're very welcome."
A woman comes home and tells her husband,
"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a
mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a
headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says,
"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last
few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for
The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband
comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the Bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He
goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife Like never before.
His wife says,
"Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right
back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back
in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the Mirror and saying, "She's not my wife.
She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Services will be held on Monday.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
They loaded up in Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge
house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack
said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be
gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and
they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few
minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the
attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow
from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name
instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said,
"Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and
left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't
you?) Now keep that smile for the rest of the day!
Old, not me!
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching
their favorite Saturday night TV program. During one of those commercial
breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our sexual
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next
commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know -- I don't even think
we got a Christmas card from them this year."
A South American scientist, after a lengthy
study,has discovered that people who do not get enough sex often read their
e-mails with their right or left hand still on the computer mouse...
Don't bother taking it off now... it's too late......