December - Jokes
Reasons why Hurricane Season is like Christmas....
6. Family coming to stay with you
and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally
buy.... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!
The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines of 2003
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the
play ground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees
Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so
exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to t ell his
mother excitedly.... MOMMYMOMMY, I WASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.
So Little Johnny tells
her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt
Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he
helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy
cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you
save the rest of it for supper time I want to see the look on Daddy's face when
you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the
undressing, laying down on the seat, and ...
"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did
that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
Some times you need to listen to the whole story.
A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in
New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date
"No,"he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was
just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"
The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha
waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles
and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast.... can I buy you a drink?
A guy is applying for job and must answer the
questions! Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using
numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers!" The Newfoundlander
says. "Dats easy bye," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the
boss asks. "
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says
"Fair enough," says the boss, "Here is your second
question. Use the same rule but this time the number is 99".
Newfoundlander stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he
has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go bye".
scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99".
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to
hire this Newfoundlander, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules
again, but represent the number 100".
The Newfoundlander stares into space
some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the
base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go bye....One 'undred'".
looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a
The Newfoundlander leans forward and points to the marks at the
base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crapped by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and
a turd, this makes One Hundred.......
So when do I start bye?"
The government today announced that it is
changing its emblem from a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM.
Apparently it more
accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for
inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of
pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
How do these people survive?
ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on
the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked
for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve,"
was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
TWO I was
checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me
put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers"
that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up
the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not
finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to
her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK,"
and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her
floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she
was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a
credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently
saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I
asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote
door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a
distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno.
Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she
answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually
unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about
the batteries. It's a long walk!"
FIVE Several years ago, we had an
Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary
and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier
machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last
remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make
five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in
dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver
had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor,
PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and
connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought
the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working,
the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was
eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should
be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush
him in to emergency!
Life is tough. It's tougher if
How to say I love you in 5 languages!
English - I Love You
French - Je T'aime
Italian - Ti Amo
Chinese - Wo Ai Nin
Nice arse, get in the truck
On their wedding night, the young bride approached
her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was
repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to
find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he
explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59,
he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been
earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife
handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits
and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of
deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him
that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that
for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings
had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her
husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice
and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given
you all my business!"
That's when she shot him. Y
sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill
the next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too
much red meat can kill you;
the next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
the next day I
Yesterday, I read that sex can kill you;
I stopped reading!!!
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John
accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table
to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any under-wear
under her dress.
Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later John went to the
kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see
anything that you liked under there?
Surprised by her boldness, John
courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can
have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess
the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday
afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 P.M. Friday
afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 P.M.
sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom
and closed their transaction as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
usual, Bill came home from work at 6 P.M. and upon entering the house, asked
his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump
in her throat, Sue answered, "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked,
"And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found
out, and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he
did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his
wife by saying, "Good. I was hoping he did. John came by the office this
morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a