Just Joking

December - Jokes Over!


Reasons why Hurricane Season is like Christmas....

6. Family coming to stay with you
5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling
4. Buying food you don't normally buy.... and in large quantities
3. Days off from work
2. Candles
And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...
At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!


The Year's Best (Actual) Headlines of 2003

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors


Little Johnny

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace."
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to t ell his mother excitedly.... MOMMYMOMMY, I WASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."
Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.
So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.
Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and ...
"then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."
Some times you need to listen to the whole story.


Smart Newfie

A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?
"No,"he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says,
"Bloody thing's running about an hour fast.... can I buy you a drink?


Newfoundland Math!

A guy is applying for job and must answer the questions! Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers!" The Newfoundlander says. "Dats easy bye," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks. "
'Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Newfoundlander.
"Fair enough," says the boss, "Here is your second question. Use the same rule but this time the number is 99".
The Newfoundlander stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go bye".
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99".
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire this Newfoundlander, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100".
The Newfoundlander stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go bye....One 'undred'".
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Newfoundlander leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crapped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, this makes One Hundred.......
So when do I start bye?"


Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM.
Apparently it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!


How do these people survive?

ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk!"

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT Police in Radnor, PA, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid!"


How to say I love you in 5 languages!

English - I Love You

French - Je T'aime

Italian - Ti Amo

Chinese - Wo Ai Nin


Newfoundland - Nice arse, get in the truck


TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him. Y

ou know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
the next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
the next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
the next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that sex can kill you;
this morning I stopped reading!!!


Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any under-wear under her dress.
Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 P.M. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 P.M. sharp, and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 P.M. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat, Sue answered, "Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good. I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!


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