January - Jokes to
warm up to!
Things I've learned from my Boys
a) For those who have grown children - this is
b) For those who have children past this age, this is
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, Have Fun!
The following came
from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas: Things I've learned from my Boys
(honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water
to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on
dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when
the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat , you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball
a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the
words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox
makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a
flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much
Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches
even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their
body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all
of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will
try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.
Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage
will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself
while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself & bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your
veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your
alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash
your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only
need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the
WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an
opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Thoughts for the day:
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You
get another chance.
Be really nice to your family and friends; you
never know if you might need them to empty your bedpan or soak the dentures.
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING,
BUT THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF
Exercise for Seniors!
An easy exercise suggested for seniors, to build
muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy that I thought I'd
pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week.
standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your
sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then
50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a
100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each of the sacks.
We should all live by this! Keep this philosophy
in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.
ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One
day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass
a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment
to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made
absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man
said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you
don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test
of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass
though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is
neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
was defeated and left, ashamed.
This is the reason Socrates was a great
philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found
out that Plato was banging his wife.
Who can make me fell like a woman?
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through
a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when
one wing is struck by lightning. One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming,
she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to
be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane. Then a cowboy from Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.
handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
this. Then get me a beer."
Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a
bar just off the main highway at Gander, Newfoundland. After last call the
officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer
quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five
different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.
sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and
seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons failed to
observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry
summer night) flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the
horn and then switched on the lights. He pulled in the hook and line and moved
the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for
a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to
drive slowly down the road. The officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled
the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me
to Headquarters. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it,"
said the truly proud Newfoundlander. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when
a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! What are you
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink
from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and
helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while
taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into
the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing a joint, and
he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says "Shit man,
... how much water did you drink?!
The National Transportation Safety Board recently
divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for
the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice
recorders in selected four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to
determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before
They were surprised to find that in most towns in Canada the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
Only the places like Moose Jaw, Chaplin, Swift Current,
Assiniboia, Gull Lake, Maple Creek, Kyle, and Rose Town, Saskatchewan, were
different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna
try somethin' ."
A guy has his bachelor party out on the golf
course, and gets hit in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
As soon as he sobers-up, he gets himself to his doctor.
He said "How bad is
it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll
have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It
should be okay next week."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat
little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and they go on
their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER
He immediately drops his pants and
replies,....................... "Look at this, ....still in the CRATE!"
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat
a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even
afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those
"evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me.."
How do you fix
a woman's watch? You don't.
There is a clock on the oven.
men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build
up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and
your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male
A woman who won't do what she's told.
I married a
Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has
Genie in a bottle!
Woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The
amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry,
three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... What'll it
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa It will
bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Lady, please be reasonable. These countries have been at war for
thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another
wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's
considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great
in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh
and said, "Let me see the freaking map again."