Happy New Year!
Some Great Things About Getting Older:
Finally you can eat dinner at 4:00
Your
investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Kidnappers
are not very interested in you.
If you've never smoked you can start now
and it won't have time to hurt you.
People no longer view you as a
hypochondriac.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't
remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a
manageable size.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Things you buy now
won't wear out.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
You
don't need the roof shingles with the 30 year guarantee.
There is no need
to spend money for a psychic to see your future.
There's nothing left to
learn the hard way.
Your joints are more accurate than the National
Weather Service.
Buying cheap tires and not rotating them makes economic
sense.
You don't have to learn the name of the new UPS man.
No one
thinks you're cheap because you don't buy a half a cow to freeze.
You may
never have to vacuum under the bed again.
Taking the shortest magazine
subscription is economically defensible.
You don't have to bother planting
perennials.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
Comprehending Engineers-Take One
Two engineering students were walking across
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second
engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second
engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
fit."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were
discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time
with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The
engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and a
mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
What is the difference between Mechanical
Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil
Engineers build targets.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does
it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it
cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with
that?"
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To
the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice
as big as it needs to be.
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by
train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and
watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three
people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board
the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram
into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has
departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the
restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a
single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves
on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after
the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the
return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board
the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram
into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the
engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers
are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea
fishing. Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other big lies
about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.
So Morris comes back
from his latest fishing trip, and tells Harry...
" You wouldn't believe,
but in da Bahamas I caught a 500 pound herring. "
Harry says...." That's
nothing, last time I fished in da Bahamas, I pulled up an old lantern from a
sunken Spanish ship....and da candle was still burning ! "
They both looked
at each other, knowing that the other was lying.
Finally, Harry said to
Morris....
" Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds from off your
herring....I'll blow out my candle ! "
A Wittle Wabbit
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit
sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady
replied "Yes".
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
Future Physician
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her
stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing
with it.
Be still my heart, thought the physician, my daughter wants to
follow in my footsteps!
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take you order?"
Are We Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife
is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her
first child?" the doctor asked.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill
of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office."
Doctor:
"Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
UNDERSTANDING AND WRITING SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH PAPERS
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone workingon a Ph.D. dissertation or academic paper anywhere!
"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original reference.
"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically meaningless.
"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.
"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The other results didn't make any sense.
"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.
"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... once
"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice
"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice
"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.
"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think so, too.
"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.
"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.
"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.
"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.
"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENA OCCURS"... I don't understand it.
"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't understand it either.
"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was
in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter
noticed several scantily dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street
corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at
which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies
waiting for by that corner?"
To which the mother replies, "Those ladies are
waiting for their husbands to come home from work."
The cabbie, upon
hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Awww, C'mon lady!!! Tell
your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud, they're hookers!"
A brief
period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies
have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think
cabbies come from?"
Coffee Please
This is a true story
A blonde was recently
hired at our office.
Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to
do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a
nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker
quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups
of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos,
Hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six
cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two
regular, two black, and two decaf.
COMPOSERS
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project -
an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester
Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all
present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars,
so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would
portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've
always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been
my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano"
said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his
waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased
with these choices. "Sounds splendid."
Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he
asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says,
.....(scroll
down).....
.... (keep
scrolling).....
....(wait for it)......
.....(Do you think you
know)......
.... (its a good
one!).....
.... you'll hate me for
this.....
"I'll be Bach."
Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than
200 adult voices?
Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when
a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my
bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karen,
apparently scared by the loud storm.
I resigned myself to sleeping in the
guest bedroom that night.
The next day, I talked to the children, and
explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I
was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night.
They said
O.K.
After my next trip several weeks later, Karen and the children picked
me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone
had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds
of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.
As I entered the
waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some
good news!"
As I waved back, I said loudly, "What is the good news?"
"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this
time!" Alex shouted.
The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the
waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of
the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
Grandma had never been sick a day in her life, so
she didn't take it very> well when she fell and suffered a fractured hip
which sent her to the hospital for an operation.
By the time the interns
got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the
temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food, and the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a
cord.
"What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle
of the night," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What
does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall
for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?"
responded Grandma.
"Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse
needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and
stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual
run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on
her chair and says:
I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond
jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What
does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human
being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at
work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person
...
because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not
only blonds but women at large ...
all in the name of humor.
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up,
"You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little guy on your
knee!"
KITCHEN SLOGANS
1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this
kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.
3. If we are what we eat, then I'm fast, cheap, and easy.
4. A
balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
5. Thou shalt not weigh more than
thy refrigerator.
6. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
7. A clean house is a sign of a misspent
life.
8. Help keep the kitchen clean--eat out.
9. Housework done
properly can kill you.
10. Countless number of people have eaten in this
kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
11. My next house will have no
kitchen--just vending machines.
A man rushed into the doctor's office and
shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded,
"Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A thief broke into the local police station and
stole all the lavatory equipment.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We
have absolutely nothing to go on."
