February - Jest
A little old lady is walking down the street,
dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in
one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto
Noticing this, a policeman stops her..."Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady. "I'd
better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast" says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did
you steal it?"
"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard
backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game,
a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So I go
and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"
"Well" says the little old lady, "not all of them pay
"IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!"
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My
Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
The Earth Is Full - Go
I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
So Many Pedestrians - So
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Exercise, Die Anyway.
Illiterate? Write For Help.
Honk If Anything
Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes.
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is
Lost, But is Miles From The Next Exit.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits
With An Unarmed Person.
You! Out Of The Gene Pool - Now!
(Seen Upside Down On A Jeep) If You Can Read This, Please Flip
Me Back Over.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
Ax Me About Ebonics.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Caution - Driver Legally Blonde.
Heart Attacks: God's
Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi
Fired From A Car Window.
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
Admits He is Lost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE -- PLANT A MAN.
"POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED, AND FOR THE SAME
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the
head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator
of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your
needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the
Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think
about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed
thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night,! he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his
mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy
says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing
the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep crap."
Tonto & The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert
for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound
asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe,
look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders
for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a
quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is
all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we
will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo
droppings. It means someone stole tent."
What a guy!
When Bill and Hilary first got married Bill said,
"I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."In all
their 30 years of marriage, Hilary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th
anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She
closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the
box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such
contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hilary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise
and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was
too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans
in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an
empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hilary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very
disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to
sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
Bill thanked her for being so understand ing. They hugged and
made their peace. A little while later Hilary asked Bill, "So why do you have
all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled
up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for
Yet another Blonde joke!
Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss. Each day they noticed the boss left work early. One day the
girls decided that when the boss left they would leave right behind her. After
all she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little
gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
was elated to be able to get in a quick workout and a spa before meeting her
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her
husband, but when she got to her bedroom door she heard a muffled noise from
inside. Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door and was mortified to see
her husband in bed with her boss. Gently she closed the door and crept out of
The next day at their coffee break the redhead and the brunette
planned to leave early again and they asked the blonde if she was going with
"No way" the blonde exclaimed ... "I almost got caught yesterday."
A farmer in Wales
A farmer in Wales buys several sheep, hoping to
breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should
try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what
this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he
will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still
standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in
the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice
for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he
tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home falls listlessly
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass.
"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one
of them is tooting the horn".
The Blond Cowboy
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the
street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his
cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure. As he
is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and
this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her......
So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt....so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my
pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off
my shorts ...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of
sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".
"" And here I am.""
of a Gun, Blond Men do exist.
Just a Joke!
Young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the
pharmacist: Hello, could you give me a condom please. My girlfriend has invited
me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist
gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells
him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too.
She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I
think she expects something from me too."
The pharmacist gives him a second
condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says "Maybe you should give
me one more condom because mygirlfriend's mum is still pretty cute, and when
she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I
think she may also be expecting something from me!!"
During dinner, the
young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right
and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and
starts praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give
A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
Ten minutes, and the boy is still praying, keeping his head
down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I didn't
know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies:"I didn't know your dad was
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka
pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
CONCERNED ABOUT TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?
For those of you who watch
what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and
eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"
ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother
smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"