April - Jokes to
A married couple was on vacation in Jamaica. They
were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they
passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a
Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican man said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them
on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his
eyes...... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!!
In the blink
of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table,
yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of
the Jamaican's hips. T
he Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE
WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !
Old Golf Stories
A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know
your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Nicklaus replied, "The
holes are numbered"
A young man and a priest are playing together. At
a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his
8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and
dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about
you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
An American went to Scotland and
played golf with a newly acquainted Scottish golfer. After a bad tee shot, he
played a "Mulligan" which was an extremely good one.
He then asked the
Scot, "What do you call a Mulligan in Scotland?"
We call it hitting 3."
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks,
"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him
with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the
club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a
The bride came down the aisle and when she reached
the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his
She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"?
He looked her
right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
A golfer gets up his ball on the first tee, took a
mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw
an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his
3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit
him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven,
St..Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man
replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"
Two blondes from Newfoundland were chatting.
One blonde asks the other, "which is further, Vancouver...or the Moon?"
The other replies, "HELLOOOOO", can you see Vancouver???
TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing
their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the
young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't
paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK.
It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm
getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help
each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she
is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's
wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"
The old guy
says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had
a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the
princess touched would melt. No matter what: metal, wood, stone, anything she
touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare
marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.
The next day, he held a
competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not
melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
THREE YOUNG PRINCES
TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But
alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest
substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched
them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince
approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is
in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt
something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince
married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
was in the prince's pants? (Scroll down for the answer)
M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
A woman from New York was driving through a remote
part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along
and offered her a ride to a nearby town. He helped her up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few
minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed
from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merelysat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands
become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
Law of Probability:
The probability of being
watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you
were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water,
the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of
meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to
be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone
that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot
coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor
covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making
On their wedding night, the young bride approached
her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first love making encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was
repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking
that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained
that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he
had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore,
they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1
million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest
depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades
she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and
investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely
speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea
what youwere doing, I would have given you all my business!"
she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep
their mouths shut ...
Hi Tech Newfie Style
Three Women - One German, One Japanese and a
Newfie were sitting naked in a Jacuzzi. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The
German lady pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her
questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the
skin my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted
her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Newfie woman felt decide1dly low
tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as
impressive. She stepped out of the Jacuzzi and went to the bathroom. She
returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out from her behind. The others
raised their eyebrows and just stared at her.
The Newfie woman finally
said, "LORD THUNDERIN, JEEZUZ, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT! ..............I'M GETTING
My name is Bob, and I am Canadian
My name is Bob, and I am Canadian.
I am a
minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this country.
I was born
in 1945 , yet I am responsible for some native's great great grandfather who
screwed himself out of his land in the 1800's.
I pay import tax on cars
made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to
drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make up until mid July must go
to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are
ignorant. These same people cannot name this country's new territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft dinner and don't have a pot
to piss in, I sleep well knowing that I've helped purchase a nice six figure
home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic
and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides my nation's prime
95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.
I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure none
of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.
believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
I believe that the same
tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that
old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal
if I don't register it.
I often badmouth the United States and then
vacation there three times a year.
I believe spending $15 billion to
promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of
Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.
I'm led to
believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes $30 an hour is
underpaid and therefore must go on strike, but paying $10 an hour to someone
who works 12 hour shifts at forty below on an oil rig is fair.
that paying $30 million for 3 Stripes ("The Voice of Fire") by the National Art
Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or
will ever see it.
When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a
third of what I actually make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health
care than the Americans."
I must bail out farmers when their crops are too
wet or too dry because I control the rain.
My national anthem has versions
in both official languages and I don't know either of them.
Canada is the
highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest military buffer for the
United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.
not an angry white male. I am an angry taxpayer who is broke.
My name is
Bob, and I am Canadian.
Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The
Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine
Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,
Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In
Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. don't use any punctuation
9. As Often
As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go
out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order
Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And
Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work
Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your
Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving
The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives,
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."