July - Jokes to Vacation With!

Signs of the day!

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr Jones, at your cervix.'
In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.'
On a Septic Tank Truck : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door: 'To expedite your visit please back in.'
On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair what your husband fixed.'
On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
On a Church's Billboard: '7 days without God makes one weak.'
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 'Invite us to your next blowout.'
At a Towing company: 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'
In a Nonsmoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.'
At an Optometrist's Office : 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'
On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
At a Car Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary We hear you coming.'
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
At the Electric Company: 'We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
In a Restaurant window: 'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and be fed up.'
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
At a Propane Filling Station , 'Thank heaven for little grills.'
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' J
ohn said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

Old Mike

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Mike the computer guy, to come over.
Mike clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Mike grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out.."
So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T
I used to like Mike.

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.'
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the hell would you say?'

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiller who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "F--k," the rottweiller ate him!"

After retiring, I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.

A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go hunting, so he approaches his assistant. "Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the clinic and all me patients." The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol." "Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus. "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room. Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a man!"
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose of Viagra.
The doctor says, "I can't give you a double dose".
"Why not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe", replies the doctor.
"But I need it really bad", says John.
"Why"? Asks the doctor.
"Because", says John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a double dose."
On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you've suffered any side effects". On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The doctor asks, "What happened to you?" John replies, "No one showed up."

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to get-R-dun)

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

©WebWise Inc.