July - Jokes to
Signs of the day!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr Jones, at
In a Podiatrist's office: 'Time wounds all heels.'
Septic Tank Truck : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
On a Plumber's truck: 'We repair
what your husband fixed.'
On another Plumber's truck: 'Don't sleep with a
drip. Call your plumber..'
On a Church's Billboard: '7 days without God
makes one weak.'
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 'Invite us to your next
At a Towing company: 'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want
On an Electrician's truck: 'Let us remove your shorts.'
Nonsmoking Area: 'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
On a Maternity Room door: 'Push. Push. Push.'
Optometrist's Office : 'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place.'
On a Taxidermist's window: 'We really know our stuff.'
On a Fence: 'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
At a Car
Dealership: 'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car
Outside a Muffler Shop: 'No appointment necessary We hear you
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: 'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit!
At the Electric Company: 'We would be delighted if you send in your
payment. However, if you don't, you will be.'
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and be fed up.'
In the front
yard of a Funeral Home: 'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
At a Propane
Filling Station , 'Thank heaven for little grills.'
And don't forget the
sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop: 'Best place in town to take a leak.'
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's
to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!' That won him the
top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told
his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'
'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' J
ohn said, 'Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very
nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's
drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,
'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the
other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called
Mike the computer guy, to come over.
Mike clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was
walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"
He replied, "It was
an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired, "An, ID ten T error? What's that .. in case I need to fix it again?"
Mike grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
So I wrote down . I D 1 0 T
I used to like Mike.
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court,
the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde 'Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.
responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite
cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer
interrupted. 'Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at
the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Clyde said, 'Well, I had just got
Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the
scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying
to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer
and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his
favourite cow, Bessie.'
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well, as I
was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the
stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch
and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want
to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the
road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now tell me, what the hell would you say?'
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could
become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was
in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiller who lives next door got a
running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the
little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say
"F--k," the rottweiller ate him!"
After retiring, I went to the social security
office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to
have left my wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing
my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application. When I got
home, I told my wife about my experience at the social security office.
says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability
A doctor in Ireland wants to get off work and go
hunting, so he approaches his assistant. "Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow
and don't want to close the clinic," he says. "I want you to take care of the
clinic and all me patients." The doctor goes hunting, returns the following day
and asks, "So, Seamus, how was your day?"
Seamus tells him that he took
care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him Tylenol."
"Bravo, Seamus, and the second one?" asks the doctor. "The second one had
stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir," says Seamus. "Bravo, bravo! You're
good at this. And what about the third one?" asks the doctor. "Sir, I was
sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman bursts into the room.
Quick as a wink she undresses herself, tearing off every stitch of clothing
including her bra and her panties, and lies down on the table. She spreads her
legs and shouts, "Help me, I beg you! It's been five years since I've seen a
"Thunderin' Lord Jesus, Seamus, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
John goes to his doctor and asks for a double dose
The doctor says, "I can't give you a double dose".
not?" asks John.
"Because it's not safe", replies the doctor.
need it really bad", says John.
"Why"? Asks the doctor.
John, "My girlfriend is coming to see me on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on
Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a
On hearing this, the doctor agrees but says, "OK, I'll give
it to you, but you must see me on Monday so I can check whether you've suffered
any side effects". On Monday, John drags himself in. His arm is in a sling. The
doctor asks, "What happened to you?" John replies, "No one showed up."
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hiding' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he
gets it inside them logs, but he's hiding' it there."
"Thank you very much
for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's
house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust
open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and
leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This
here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Did they chop your
"Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to
A man entered the bus with both of his front
pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it)
blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time
deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able
to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis