Just Joking

August - Jokes to Shine!


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled Blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."


A Somali arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to the Canada.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me into this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, and free education!'
The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Jamaican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada!'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada!'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East, I am not Canadian!'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian?'
She says, 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians?'
The African lady checks her watch and says........'Probably at work.'


Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy: READ SLOWLY

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.


MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch.....


*Because Everyone In Canada Lives In An Igloo*.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto -can I follow the Railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto , Vancouver , Edmonton and Halifax? ( England )
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.., Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?( England )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A : Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? ( Germany )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs .

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? ( USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. ( USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


An elderly woman bought a parrot. The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot, and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "Its goddamned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner. The owner offered the following solution, "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder. So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church, and sure enough, just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "Its goddamned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times, and placed him back on her shoulder. The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty f@#*ing windy, too!


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He stood about 40 feet away, and in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears nothing. So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" . . . . .
"Ralph, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!"


A man owned a small potato farm in Shubenacadie, Nova Scotia. An agent from the Workman's Compensation Board dropped by in a routine check to see if he was paying proper wages to his hired hands. 'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' said the agent.
'Well,' replied the farmer, 'There's a man who's been with me here for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the cook. She's been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board. Finally there's a half-wit who works 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $30 a week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of scotch every Saturday night.'
'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit,' says the agent.
'That would be me.' replied the farmer.


WHEN YOU'RE FEELING STUPID, READ THIS.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not Live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, Then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, Which is why I would not live forever,"

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids All over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love To be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and Death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very Important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part Of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward .

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the Lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through Our papers. We are the president." -- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of Subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death By a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's The impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President
And .. "We are ready for an unforeseen event that May or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix ." -- Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much Clean air do we need ?" --Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." - --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude Certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor .

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come From overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that You passed away. May God bless you. You may Reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack In at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their Heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when They wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Feeling smarter yet?


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