September - Jokes to Learn!

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, 'what is your occupation?'
'I'm a whore,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, 'No, No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a high-end call girl '.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.' They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?'
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'

2 Newfies George and Paul were in a boat fishing. They came across a lantern and George rubbed it and out came the genie. "I can only grant you one wish and that's it. I'm not your typical genie".
So George says" I'd like to have an ocean full of beer. POOF. The ocean turned to beer.
Paul looks at George and says " You dummy. Now when we drink we'll have to piss in the boat!!!

Dumb Blonde !!!

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my shoulders. I can splash it on my eyes.

Newfie Lawsuit

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out. How do I get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac Company cause they got themselves fat."
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
The Newfie, God bless his soul answers ... "Neider, I just Wanna know if I can sue Labatts for all the ugly women I've slept with."

A MIDGET COWBOY GOT TOSSED OFF A BULL AT THE CALGARY STAMPEDE. HE FELT A LITTLE SORE AND WENT TO THE DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY.
THE DOC SAYS - HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
THE MIDGET COWBOY SAYS - WELL DOC I WAS BULL RIDING AND GOT TOSSED OFF AND I THINK I SUFFERED A HERNIA.
THE DOC SAYS - STAND UP ON THAT TABLE, DROP YOUR PANTS, AND I'LL CHECK. THE DOC PUTS HIS HAND UNDER HIS LEFT BALL AND SAYS COUGH.
THE MIDGET COWBOY BOYS COUGHS AND THE DOC SAYS - NOTHING THERE. SO THE DOC HOLDS HIS HAND UNDER THE MIDGET COWBOYS RIGHT BALL. "COUGH SAYS THE DOC AND THE PATIENT DOES SO. THE DOC SAYS - NOTHING THERE. THE DOC SAYS ARE YOU STILL SORE.
"YES" REPLIED THE MIDGET COWBOY.
THE DOCTOR STEPS BACK AND SAYS I THINK I SEE YOUR PROBLEM. HE TELLS THE MIDGET COWBOY TO LOOK UP AT THE CEILING AND STAY STILL WHILE HE DOES A PROCEDURE. THE DOCTOR GETS OUT HIS SCISSORS AND GOES - SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP. THE DOC ASKS - HOW DOES THAT FEEL.
"GREAT" REPLIES THE MIDGET COWBOY. WHAT DID YOU DO DOC?
THE DOC REPLIES - I CUT THREE INCHES OFF YOUR COWBOY BOOTS.

AN OLD GUY DECIDED TO LEAVE THE CITY WHEN HE RETIRED AND MOVED TO A QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY OVERLOOKING A SMALL RIVER. HE GOT UP ONE MORNING AND SAW A PRIEST DUCKING PEOPLE IN THE WATER. THE OLD MAN ASKED THE PRIEST - FATHER WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
THE PRIEST SAID - I'M BAPTIZING PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T HAVE IT DONE WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN.
THE OLD MAN SAID - I'D LIKE TO BE BAPTIZED FATHER.
THE PRIEST DUCKED HIS HEAD UNDER THE WATER AND PULLED HIM BACK UP AND SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS?
NO - SAID THE OLD MAN.
SO THE PRIEST DUCKED HIM UNDER AGAIN UNTIL HE SAW BUBBLES COMING UP. THE PRIEST SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS THIS TIME.
CONFUSED THE OLD MAN SAID - NO FATHER I DIDN'T.
SO THE PRIEST DUCKED THE OLD MAN'S HEAD UNDER FOR THE THIRD TIME AND HELD HIM UNDER FOR WHAT SEEM LIKE ETERNITY. FINALLY THE PRIEST LIFTED THE OLD MAN'S HEAD UP AND SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS?
THE OLD MAN REPLIED - ARE YOU SURE HE FELL IN HERE.

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, ... "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying,
"No shit... what happened next?"

The Biker

A man was riding his motorcycle along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can Ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for Worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I am ready."
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready."
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"
Mujibar now works for the Government of Canada..
No doubt you have spoken to him

Just in time for the start of 2007, please read this to brush up on the rules of the road so as to reduce the number of traffic incidents on our roads. Direct from the Alberta Motor Association driver's training handbook...

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Alberta driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with B.C. or Que. plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Alberta during rush hour, especially in Calgary.
9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Albertan driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Alberta is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in Alberta to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Alberta driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In Alberta, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should ALWAYS be returned.

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