September - Jokes
A woman walks into an accountant's office and
tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, 'Before we
begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions.' He gets her name, address, social
security number, etc. and then asks, 'what is your occupation?'
whore,' she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, 'No, No,
No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that'
The woman says, 'OK, I'm a
high-end call girl '.
'No, that still won't work. Try again.' They both
think for a minute; then the woman says,
'I'm an elite chicken farmer.'
The accountant asks, 'What does chicken farming have to do with being a
'Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.'
'Chicken Farmer it is.'
2 Newfies George and Paul were in a boat fishing.
They came across a lantern and George rubbed it and out came the genie. "I can
only grant you one wish and that's it. I'm not your typical genie".
George says" I'd like to have an ocean full of beer. POOF. The ocean turned to
Paul looks at George and says " You dummy. Now when we drink we'll
have to piss in the boat!!!
Dumb Blonde !!!
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her
beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When
the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she
probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The
blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to
leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I
want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath
so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want
The blonde said, "No, just up to my shoulders. I can
splash it on my eyes.
A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all
them there lawsuits going on, I'm feeling kinda left out. How do I get in on
some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies
'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac Company cause they got
His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you
The Newfie, God bless his soul answers ... "Neider, I just
Wanna know if I can sue Labatts for all the ugly women I've slept with."
A MIDGET COWBOY GOT TOSSED OFF A BULL AT THE
CALGARY STAMPEDE. HE FELT A LITTLE SORE AND WENT TO THE DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY.
THE DOC SAYS - HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
THE MIDGET COWBOY SAYS - WELL DOC I
WAS BULL RIDING AND GOT TOSSED OFF AND I THINK I SUFFERED A HERNIA.
SAYS - STAND UP ON THAT TABLE, DROP YOUR PANTS, AND I'LL CHECK. THE DOC PUTS
HIS HAND UNDER HIS LEFT BALL AND SAYS COUGH.
THE MIDGET COWBOY BOYS COUGHS
AND THE DOC SAYS - NOTHING THERE. SO THE DOC HOLDS HIS HAND UNDER THE MIDGET
COWBOYS RIGHT BALL. "COUGH SAYS THE DOC AND THE PATIENT DOES SO. THE DOC SAYS -
NOTHING THERE. THE DOC SAYS ARE YOU STILL SORE.
"YES" REPLIED THE MIDGET
THE DOCTOR STEPS BACK AND SAYS I THINK I SEE YOUR PROBLEM. HE TELLS
THE MIDGET COWBOY TO LOOK UP AT THE CEILING AND STAY STILL WHILE HE DOES A
PROCEDURE. THE DOCTOR GETS OUT HIS SCISSORS AND GOES - SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP,
SNIP, SNIP. THE DOC ASKS - HOW DOES THAT FEEL.
"GREAT" REPLIES THE MIDGET
COWBOY. WHAT DID YOU DO DOC?
THE DOC REPLIES - I CUT THREE INCHES OFF YOUR
AN OLD GUY DECIDED TO LEAVE THE CITY WHEN HE
RETIRED AND MOVED TO A QUIET PLACE IN THE COUNTRY OVERLOOKING A SMALL RIVER. HE
GOT UP ONE MORNING AND SAW A PRIEST DUCKING PEOPLE IN THE WATER. THE OLD MAN
ASKED THE PRIEST - FATHER WHAT ARE YOU DOING.
THE PRIEST SAID - I'M
BAPTIZING PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T HAVE IT DONE WHEN THEY WERE CHILDREN.
MAN SAID - I'D LIKE TO BE BAPTIZED FATHER.
THE PRIEST DUCKED HIS HEAD UNDER
THE WATER AND PULLED HIM BACK UP AND SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS?
NO - SAID
THE OLD MAN.
SO THE PRIEST DUCKED HIM UNDER AGAIN UNTIL HE SAW BUBBLES
COMING UP. THE PRIEST SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS THIS TIME.
CONFUSED THE OLD
MAN SAID - NO FATHER I DIDN'T.
SO THE PRIEST DUCKED THE OLD MAN'S HEAD
UNDER FOR THE THIRD TIME AND HELD HIM UNDER FOR WHAT SEEM LIKE ETERNITY.
FINALLY THE PRIEST LIFTED THE OLD MAN'S HEAD UP AND SAID - DID YOU SEE JESUS?
THE OLD MAN REPLIED - ARE YOU SURE HE FELL IN HERE.
A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is
nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest
asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand
and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest
says, ... "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
"No shit... what happened next?"
A man was riding his motorcycle along a California
beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will
grant you one wish.
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to
Hawaii so I can Ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is
materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and
steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do
it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for Worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish
that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what
she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly
The Lord replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.
Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except
one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."
Mujibar said, "I
The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I
The manager said, "Go ahead."
Mujibar said, "The telephone
goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is
Mujibar now works for the Government of Canada..
you have spoken to him
Just in time for the start of 2007, please read
this to brush up on the rules of the road so as to reduce the number of traffic
incidents on our roads. Direct from the Alberta Motor Association driver's
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A
confident Alberta driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should
you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because
the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less
of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete
stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with B.C. or Que. plates. With no insurance, the other
operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as
possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as
the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance
to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass
on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are
not enforceable in Alberta during rush hour, especially in Calgary.
because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over
doesn't mean that an Albertan driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't
think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when
you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of
respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling.
Alberta is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Department of
Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes
and keep them alert.
12. It is tradition in Alberta to honk your horn at
cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover,
it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing
your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
Remember that the goal of every Alberta driver is to get ahead of the pack by
whatever means necessary.
15. In Alberta, 'flipping the bird' is considered
a polite salute. This gesture should ALWAYS be returned.