October - Jokes to
A gas station in Newfoundland was trying to
increase its sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With Fill-Up."
Soon a local Newfy pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
The owner told him pick a number from 1 to 10 and if he guessed correctly, he
would get his free sex.
The buyer then guessed 8 and the proprietor said,
"You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."
A week later,
the same redneck, along with a buddy, pulled in for a fill-up again. He asked
for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him
to guess the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time, again the
proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the newfy said to his buddy, "I think dat game
is rigged and he doesn't really give away da free sex."
The Newfy's buddy
replied, "No, it ain't bye, it's not rigged. My wife won twice last week."
A guy walked into the local welfare office,
marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the
counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter
you'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to
satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the
balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood
activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he shouted.
A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments
later," Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called out "Matt's riding a
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving"
"Jason is on his skate board...."
A few more moments, "Mr and Mrs Cooper
are having sex !!"
Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed !
cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex ?"
Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one. Submitted by
Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.
2. At the beginning of my shift I
placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior
chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the
patient. Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
3. One day I had
to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a
massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal
fart." Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada
4. During a
patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me,
his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which
one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six
hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress
and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one. Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered..."Why,
not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Submitted by Dr.
Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked,
"So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the
Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY
Jelly." Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
7. A nurse was
on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into
a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange
clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute
appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off
the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." Submitted by
RN no name
8. As a new, young MD
doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener". Dr. wouldn't submit his name
Keep this in mind when you have something to
return and the store gives you a hard time - A woman went to a K-Mart service
counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought
because it won't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund
because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the
air and started screaming,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in
front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the woman and
asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and
he told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
And doing so draws an even
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you
In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY
NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and
her money was quickly refunded
THE VALUE OF UNDIES:
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially
when working under your vehicle.
From the NORTHWEST FLORIDA DAILY NEWS
comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to
have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on
with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to
see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair
of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts,
his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaring public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three
stitches in his forehead.
These People Vote
With the federal election next month you should
be aware of those that can vote.
Some guy bought a new fridge for his
house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three
days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He
eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too
good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The
next day someone stole it.
While looking at a house, my brother asked
the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he did
not want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that
She ALSO votes!
I used to work in technical support for
a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what
hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . .
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when
we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she
got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It is designed to
cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. .
My sister ALSO votes!
My friends and I were on a beer run and
noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought
2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. I
should have bought 10 cases and got them free!!
He ALSO votes!
hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an
earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she
turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same
distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
My friend ALSO
I could not find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I
went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane
arrived yet?". . .
SHE ALSO votes!
Benefits of Marriage
You have two choices in life:
You can stay
single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding
ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received
a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
"That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it wasn't
for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're
lucky. Mine's still alive."
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE !!!
and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man
joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded
and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the
husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets
irritated by the clicking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the
sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of
your stick? That clicking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man
replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding
the bus ... so shut the hell up."
Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it
was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
* *labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March - Got
excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those
June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a
lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stroke swimming
competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their
August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped,
because top was down.
September - The capital of California is
October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December - Couldn't call
911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!! **