November - Jokes to
T SHIRT SLOGANS
Of course I'M IN GREAT SHAPE.
I play Rock,
IT'S BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST
than to live
with the Psycho for the rest of your life.
JESUS LOVES YOU
MESS WITH ME
and you mess with the whole trailer
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER
of stupid people in a large
A lot of people doing what I say.
SAY I HAVE A.D.D.
But they just don't understand.
Oh, look, a chicken!
Because I don't care Doesn't mean
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HAPPINESS IS HAVING A LARGE, LOVING, CLOSE-KNIT FAMILY
Someday we will look back on this,
and change the subject.
I'm not ALWAYS late.
Sometimes I just
don't show up.
THERE'S A PLACE FOR ALL GOD'S CREATURES
to the potatoes & gravy.
No, wait... Maybe I'm
NATIONAL SARCASM SOCIETY
Like we need your support...
Embarrassing my teenage children.
Just one more service I provide.
Have you seen My marbles?
333 I'm only half evil.
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed
with AAADD - Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it
I decided to do the laundry, start down the hall
and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on
the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack...
FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be
paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from
yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the
window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the
sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing
here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I
head for the door and...Aaaagh!!... stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed.
Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to
feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the
floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost,
and the cat ate the remote control...and, when I try to figure out how come
nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...
I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious...I'd get help...
think I'll check my e-mail...
A general practitioner and a nurse were on the
train, going to a medical conference. Opposite them was a man furiously
scratching his elbow.
"I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the
"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "and, in confidence, I
can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids."
"Well, why is he
scratching there, then?"
"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass
from his elbow."
The phone rang as I was setting down to my
anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with, "Is this
This didn't sound anything like my name, so I asked,
"Who is calling?"
The telemarketer said he was with The Rubberband-Powered
Freezer Company or something like that and then I asked him if he knew William
personally and why was he was calling this number. I then said off to the side,
"Get really good pictures of the body and all the blood." I then turned back to
the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must
stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be
receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder
case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address,
phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and
could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.
The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a
shaky voice. I proceeded to tell him we had located his position at his work
place and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.
At that point, I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running
My wife asked me as I returned to our table, why I had tears
streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen
minutes. My meal was cold, but oh-so-very enjoyable.
Dark In Here
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while
her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in
the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the
closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the
boy and the mum's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
A few days later, the father says to the
boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball. "
says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them
The son says,"$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to
overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church
and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
priest says, "Don't start that shit again"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching
his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed
" No," he replied, "Arthritis
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to
get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor
spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
" The doctor said, "I didn't say that.! I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a
new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
Three old guys are out walking.
says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old
"So I hear you're getting Married?"
"Do I know her?"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well then, is she good in
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
I'm writing you this letter
to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for
seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have
been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and
that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had
gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand
new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep
after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever
the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your
BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven
years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports
so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing
that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not
say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite
meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped
eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you
and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the
lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I
guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with
your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but, Carl, my brother, was born
Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
A college student at a recent football game
challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for
their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have
television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our
spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and
hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing.and.uh.."
advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right.
We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little
What the hell are you doing for the next generation?"
The Last 3 Bears Story
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES
goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his
small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear
who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was
Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper,
it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin
cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and
now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace
Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only
going to say this one more time ...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE ****ING PORRIDGE