For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his
first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the
unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has
become of that baby brother orsister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed,"I think Mommy ate it!"
A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because
his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the mother says,
"Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows."
A man is driving with his wife at his side and his
mother-in-law in the backseat. The women just won't leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You're driving too fast!"
His wife says,
"Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his
wife and asks,
"Who's driving this car - you or your mother?"
Beer throughout History...
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000
years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and
because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey
month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon."
were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger into the mix to find the
right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold, and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too
hot, and the yeast would die. This thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase
"rule of thumb."
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts.
So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the
phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
Beer was the reason the Pilgrims
landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear from the Mayflower's log that the crew
didn't want to waste beer looking for a better site. The log goes on to state
that the passengers "were hasten ashore and made to drink water that the seamen
might have the more beer."
After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant
brew they called aul, or ale, the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle
often without armor or even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk" means "bare
shirt" in Norse, and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.
In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called Admiral
Vernon "Old Grog," after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore. The term "grog"
soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When you were drunk on this
grog, you were "groggy."
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters
had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. when they
needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle,"
is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Now you can appreciate the
importance of BEER throughout history.
The difference between bathing suits of Now and
Then is that the bathing suits of the past required that you open the suit to
see the buttocks.
The bathing suits today require that you open the
buttocks to see the suit.
THE PERFECT GIFT
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he
said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday, she has everything,
and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she
can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it... she'll probably be
So the fellow did. The next day his buddy said, "Well? Did
you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
she like it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me,
kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an
The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't
paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2
and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
You might be a preacher if...
stops talking when you enter the room.
b.. You've ever lied at a funeral.
c.. You always read the obituaries.
d.. You've ever suffered anxiety
attack while playing Bible Trivia Pursuit.
e.. You wonder why people who
have some time to kill want to spend it with you.
f.. You get your second
wind when you say "And in conclusion·"
g.. The ideas you bounce off
board members really do.
h.. Your car tires are balding faster than your
i.. You wish someone would steal some of your sheep.
seen more religion at a pool hall than you've seen at a Church cricket match.
k.. Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.
Church Meeting" and "Armageddon" are one and the same to you.
m. You jiggle
all the toilet handles before you leave the church building.
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales
that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card.
"It says I'm
energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," his wife
nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
The following were actually taken from recent
classified ads in newspapers:
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1
3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN
1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER
BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: = COCKER
SPANIEL - = SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD.
UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL
TISSUE 89 cents
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50
$300 HARDLY USED CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 = BOTTLES OF BEER.
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
GEORGIA PEACHES -
CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED
ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY
$9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 -
$9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE
PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE
CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
CLEARS OUT TACO BELL. (Hooray! Now if only someone would light a
BAR S SLICED BALOGNA - REGULAR OR TASTY SAVE 30 CENTS ON 2
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
KELLOGG'S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED
MAN - $2.09 lb.
Only in our Office-- Another true story
Several weeks ago we hired a blond who wasn't the brightest crayon in the
One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,
almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine
paper," he told her.
With that, the blond took her last remaining blank
piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank
A newly promoted colonel had moved into a
makeshift office during the Gulf War. He was just getting unpacked when out of
the corner of his eye, he noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way.
Wanting to seem important, he grabbed the phone:
Schwarzkopf. Of course, I think that's an excellent plan."
"You've got my support on it. Thanks for checking with me.
Let's touch base
again soon, Norm. Good-bye."
"And what can I do for you?" he asked the
"Uhhh, I'm just here to hook up your phone."
You do know what would have happened if it had
been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you?
have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned
the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts.