December - Jokes of
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a
pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner
suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This
seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet."
was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the
parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: - "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The
shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's
tune changed, and the air was filled with: - " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as
quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped
out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had
shown him, and Chet crooned: - "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then
moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: - "Silent Night, Holy
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we
hold the lighter between his legs?"
The man did not know. "Let's try it,"
he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's
Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang
out loudly like it was the performance of his life: -
"Chet's nuts roasting
on an open fire...."
Little Johnny's Christmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his
father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what
he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list,
leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gifts he requests."
before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I
want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go
downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go
outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny rolled over into a pile of dog poop.
Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching
his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When
Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his Dad smiled and
asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got
a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-b@#$h."
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME
According to the "Alaska Department of Fish and
Game", while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each
year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late
November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they
give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition
depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen,
had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a
fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get
Smile: It makes people wonder what you're up to! No virus found
in this incoming message.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office,
whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day,
a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
I am an 83
year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my
purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension
check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for
dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family
to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the
other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put
into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers
felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share
with her friends.* ** *Christmas came and went. A few days later, another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the
letter was opened; it read:* ** *Dear God,* ** *How can I ever thank you enough
for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a
glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of
your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have
been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.* *Sincerely,* *Edna*
I love those Newfies.....A female Mountie pulled
over a drunk Newfie fisherman driving down the back road. She said to him
Youre under arrest. Anything you say will be held against you
TITS replied the Newfie.
GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is
something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you
can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to
His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and
Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have
forbidden fruit? Hey Eve. We have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!"
way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father
and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after
making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple
break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
Having had it with the two of them, God's
punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the
pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their
life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling
them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not
killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals
eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of
holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more
awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still
ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose
your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION
AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!!
CHICKENSOUP FOR THE BEER DRINKER
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I
drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in
the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer,
they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to
myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
"I feel sorry
for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as
they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra Especially George
I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think
not." ~ Stephen Wright
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown"~
Remember "I" before "E" except in Budweiser.
To some it's a
six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at
Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can
only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is
the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In
this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel
smarter after a few beers."
Nova Scotia Blonde Joke VERY FUNNY!
A pretty, young, blonde woman in Nova Scotia was
so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the
ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. We're
off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take good care of you and bring you food every day."
Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her waist and added, I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship. From then on, he
brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made
passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by
the Captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" he
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. I
get food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me."
certainly is," said the Captain. "This is the Dartmouth ferry."
The Snake and the Bunny.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there
lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence,
both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,
and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over
the snakeand fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt
you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact,
since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok,"
replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since
birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all
over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft
fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony
tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank
you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that
you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone
and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or
possibly someone in senior management."
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5
years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this
time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye
not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied,
"Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here,
ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to
a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little
brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited
edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country
club....(takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years
Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said
ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again,
"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute
dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I
thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"