January - Jokes to
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
Always identify people in your yard before shootin at them.
considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum
the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that
you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to
the funeral home.
1. If drinking directly from the
bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have
Entertaining In Your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table
should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog
to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that
should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys
2. Proper use of
toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the
fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry
and alter the taste of finger foods.
Dating (outside the family)
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with
you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00
PM ; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive
comment about your date's appearance, such as, "Ya'll sure don't sweat much for
a fat gal."
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is
in the sack.
1. Dim your headlights for
approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a
moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while
traveling in a funeral procession.
Two Reasons why it is hard to solve
a Redneck Murder:
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental
Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you
are an ass.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"
The proctologist called ..they found your head.
Everyone has a
photographic memory ..some just don't have any film.
breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Some people just
don't know how to drive... I call these people "Everybody But Me,"
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
If you can read
this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive
because it is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let your mind
wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
Hang up and
And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!
Welcome to Canada ..now speak English
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the
trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs
away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: The officer told me that you
stole this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The woman
opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this
your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer
is quite stunned.
Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a
driver's license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and
examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: I must admit,
ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that
you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner.
Woman: I suppose the
liar told you I was speeding, too.
Only a husband could!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of
a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered,
eyes full of tears, "You know what? "You have been with me all through the bad
times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed,
you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house,
you stayed right here. When my health started failing,you were still by my
side...You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from
We've just been notified by Security that there
have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office. Five of the six
have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and
Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they
could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin,
at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin
Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this
MOM - JOB DESCRIPTION
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away
cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be
hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite
tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to
face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an
embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your
job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining,
constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge
can ultimately surpass you.
unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent
raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you
die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded
parking lots, especially during evening hours, the MinneapolisCity Council has
established a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America. Even the parking
lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe
environment is created for patrons. Below is the first picture available of
this world-first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto
Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your
Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for
flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". He forgets to
switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha' gonna do in
"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel
and take a big crap ..... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the big
boobs out for dinner ..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to
my room and put the big willy to her, big time! all night.."
the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles
trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at
the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try
and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she
trips over an old lady's handbag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over
and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first.
How Smart Is Your Right Foot?
This is so funny that it will boggle your mind.
And you will keep trying it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart
your foot. But you can't!!! 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles with it. 2. Now, while doing this,
draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change
I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to believe
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old
friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one
knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in
bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable
lessons such as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird
gets the worm and that life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable
parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to
rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set
in place - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for
kissing a classmate. Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after
lunch. And a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened
Mr. Sense declined even further - When schools were required
to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not
inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live - As the Ten
Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals
received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense finally gave up the
ghost - After a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot,
she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his
wife Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is
survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his
funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass
this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
Smile: It makes people
wonder what you're up to!