February - Jokes to
IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on
a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down,
rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and
then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers
stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes
but all men...are men.
THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into
a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her
new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he
was apparently not going to make love to her, He replied, 'It's Lent'. In
tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!
Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
LORD,... THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER*
... Judy got married and had 13 children.Her
first husband,Ted,died of cancer. She married again,and her & Bob had 7
more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy
*again*,remarried,.... and this time, her & John had 5 more children. Judy
finally died, after having 25 children. Standing before her coffin, the
preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and
said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over and quietly asked
her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or
Margaret replied:...."I think he means her *legs*,
A large, Canadian company was looking to hire
someone for an important position,so they interviewed dozens of applicants and
narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country.
In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same
question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get
the job. The question was:
A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is
lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his
side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24
hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from
Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with
the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm
not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names: It's either:
"Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
He got the job.
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million
keyboards could produce the works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet,
we know this is not true. - Robert Wilensky
There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos.
During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino
chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to
win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth
money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the
diocese for sorting.
Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one
junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips
And he is known as ..
Are you ready?
You're going to love this-
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see
when I look at the windows?
COSTELLO: Never mind the
windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you
recommend for my office?
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an
office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want
to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a
cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch
reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I
want to watch a movie. What do I
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is
Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many
other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do
with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start
that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my
money with? ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my
computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not?
They own it. (A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on
Did I read that sign right?
In a restroom: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE
In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE
STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND
UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop: WE
EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE
ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY
IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND
DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a
farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET
WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR
ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor
Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's
biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well,
and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are
either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one Mr. Ward tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one was
positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Ward.
yes, but Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend
that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his
way home, don't sleep with him."
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this
really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you
$100 if you let me have sex with you...
The girl looked at him, and
then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money
on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend. So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says,
'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to
get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour
goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally,
after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'He had it all in
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in
its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he
had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would
start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the
centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will
have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.
him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going
to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer
from his new friend and pet . So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about
the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time
he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to church with me and learn about
........................YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS...
time, a little voice came out of the box:
"I heard you the first time! I'm
putting on my shoes."