April - Its raining Jokes & Laughs!

Smart Young Redneck

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through first semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents had given him for school. Then he gets an idea. He calls his Redneck father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says. "But you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
His father sends the money. The boy has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked: "Is your daddy still cheating on your mama and messin' around with that cute little redhead next door" ?
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that damn dog."
"I sure did, Dad! I sure did!!"
"That' s my boy!"

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

There are too many stupid people!!
Ain’t it the Truth…….

90 people get the Swine Flu and everybody wants to wear a mask.
A million people have AIDS and no one wants to wear a condom.

I had put in an 18-hour day at work and was upset to find my four-year-old Zack asleep in bed with my husband when I got home. Zack squirms so much it is impossible to get a decent night's sleep when he is with us. Exhausted, I collapsed into his bed instead, where I slept better than I had in years. The next morning, I asked my husband, "Why was Zack in bed with you?" "Oh," he replied, shrugging, "he wet his bed, and I was too tired to change his sheets."

Signs You"re Drinking a "Chick Beer"

Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
Warning label states: "Caution: May make ass look fat."
After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually *is* a sport.
Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
You still cry into your eighth one, but now it's because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
The slogan: "Get that bloated feeling *any* day of the month!"
The label boasts that it's this month's recommendation from Oprah's Beer Club.

Cyrus asks:Daddy, where did I come from?

Well, you see, son, your mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said:

"You've got Male"

A man and his wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it so overcrowded that only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After walking a couple blocks, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the blind man's stick, as he taps it on the sidewalk.
So, the husband says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber on the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!"
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

Wives....

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful . CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They're gonna burn! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful.... CAREFUL! I said, BE CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it sounds like when I'm driving.

POLICE ADVICE.

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."
Beer ! is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage."
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you,just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

A little 3 year old was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."



The first 3 minutes of life are the most dangerous..............The last 3 are pretty dodgy too

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