Just Joking

May - A little more spring in the Jokes!


WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.


This is a true story...

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station..
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!


HUSBAND WANTED

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
On the second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you? Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"


MY GOLDFISH DIED

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Tom peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your *&%$#@* cat."


A blonde goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He asks, "15 inches?
What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman says, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."
The blond says, "Helllooooo... I've got Windows!!"


The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said, "Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today. Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they hired him to model jockey shorts."
Her husband said, "So?"
"Then Mary said her husband go so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model, too."
"Thank you."
"If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail weiner."


A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.


Answers don't really matter at all. The process you use to reach your conclusions are the important thing.


Why it's great being a guy!

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
The garage is all yours.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. (ex wives don't count)
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
Wedding plans take care of themselves!


Its the law!

1. Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
2. Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
3. The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
4. Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
5. First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
6. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
7. Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
8. The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
9 Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot


God and Women!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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