May - A little more
spring in the Jokes!
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five
minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.
NOTHING This is the calm before the storm.
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin
with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission.
Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks
you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most
dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for
THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or
faint. Just say you're welcome.
This is a true story...
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the
top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like
mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into
the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she
could not get her key into the ignition.
She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or
five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than
five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a
A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time
to get married. She put a want ad in the local paper that read: "HUSBAND
WANTED. Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me,
and must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person."
second day of the ad she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her dismay, when she
opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
She asked sardonically "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you----you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no
chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her
eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still good in bed?" she asked.
The old man smirked and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
MY GOLDFISH DIED
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole
when her neighbor Tom peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster
was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, "What are you up to, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor commented, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then
replied, "That's because he's inside your *&%$#@* cat."
A blonde goes into a department store and tells
the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good
selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of
curtains. She finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks,
"What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inch."
He asks, "15 inches?
What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my
The surprised salesman says, "Miss, computers do not
The blond says, "Helllooooo... I've got Windows!!"
The husband and wife were undressing one night
when she said, "Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy
today. Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they
hired him to model jockey shorts."
Her husband said, "So?"
said her husband go so long and hard that they hired him to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I
told them you could be a model, too."
"If," she went on,
"anybody needed a model for a cocktail weiner."
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over ten.
Brunette: My god! I
had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant
with one guy.
Answers don't really matter at all. The process you
use to reach your conclusions are the important thing.
Why it's great being a guy!
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
The garage is all yours.
have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. (ex wives don't count)
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear
a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel
compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make
emergency crotch adjustments.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not
preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap
you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the time.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
Wedding plans take care of
Its the law!
1. Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your
husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an
afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
2. Kauffman's Paradox
of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more
your tardiness or absence is noticed.
3. The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is
just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no
effect on your take-home pay.
4. Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance
covers everything except what happens.
5. First Law of Living: As soon as
you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing
6. Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only
7. Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that
starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will
harden when stale.
8. The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat
on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
9 Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot
God and Women!
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish." Suddenly
the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because
you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but
it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "I wish I could
understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking
when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they
say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"