June - Summer fun
A father walks into a restaurant with his young
son.. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father
realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts Slapping him on the
The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his
son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed,
attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue Business suit is sitting at a
coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her Coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper
and places it on the Counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way,
unhurried, across the Restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully
drops his pants; takes hold of the Boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and
twist, gently at first and Then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy
convulses violently and Coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free Hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands
the nickel to the father And walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without
saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill
effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've Never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are You a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with Revenue Canada..'
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than
let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too,
I didn't know we had a choice!'
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the
After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding
night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says
know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by
the looks of it!'
Paddy's pick up up lines:
1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like
diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers?
'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. You might not be the best looking girl in
here, but beauty is only a light switch away!
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head
was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up
the head to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!' He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'
Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman
shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of
each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and
ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after
I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de
odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised
dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."
barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and
drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes
in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall
When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on
your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops
and he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis
me ... I've quit drinking!
"A man staggered into a hospital with a
concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look
for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something
white at its rear end. " "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle
of the cow's arse.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'
"I don't remember much after that .."
Painting a Porch!
So.....this blonde, wanting to earn some money,
decided to hire herself out as a handy woman and started canvassing a wealthy
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner
if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the
garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the
The man replied, "She should.
She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had
paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in
his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a
Porch, it's a Ferrari."
WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only
one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God
make mothers? 1
. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the
same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are
mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their
start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1
. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been
my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't
there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does
he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO
to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom
didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at
work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to
talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger,
but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want
to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel
better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1 Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills
all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has
this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the
back of her head.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had
kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box
in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or
ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down
the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two
crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the
'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me
the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever
got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious
dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those
years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the
A Prayer....... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my
man; Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength, I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet.
You Gotta Love The Irish
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When
the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what
McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's
breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle
and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"