July - Hot Jokes of
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and
watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into
the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman
said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are falling' victim to
hen they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of
the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift
in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While
rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To
the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie,
however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew
ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men
considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose
wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in
his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he
felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored, "let
it be blood!!"
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all
night.. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman
stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same
result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that
will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So
he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed
he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself
upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as
his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife
standing over him, shouting,
"SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"
on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the
American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the
moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you
present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose
death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you
describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the
Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance
here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was
by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you
be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law!
Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)
According to a news report, a certain private
school in Brisbane was Recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were Beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was Fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips To the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the Girls would put them
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called All the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance
Man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major Problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you Can just imagine
the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate How difficult it had
been to clean the mirrors, she asked the Maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in
the toilet, and Cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no
lip prints on The mirror.
There are teachers.... And then there are
THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35
years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with big
gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a
box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a
selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route,
he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to
the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison. Afterwards, they went
downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham,
sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly
satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'...All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, ......but what's
the dollar for?'
'Well,' she said, 'last night, I told my husband that
today would be your last day ...and that we should do something special for
you. I asked him what to give you?'
He said, "...Screw him ........give him
The blonde then blushed and said, '....But the breakfast was my
HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER
It was entertainment at the senior center and the
Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting
room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up
here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye
on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a 100 pieces.
"SHIT!" said the
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial
troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a
local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I
have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big
oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde
She pinned the
note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag
behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the
"Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde
would do this to another!"
20 Clues a woman should call it a night.
1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.
2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while
yelling WOO-HOO is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. I've suddenly
decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.
4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker
than the goddess I was just 4 hours ago.
5. I drop my 3:00am submarine on
the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it
up and carry on eating it.
6. I start crying and telling everyone I see
that I love them soooooooooo much.
7. There are less than three hours
before I'm due to start work.
8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the
geek sitting next to me.
9. The man I'm flirting with use to be my 5th
10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a
table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.
11. My eyes just
don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so I keep them half closed and
think it looks exotically sexy.
12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and
become really good at it.
13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think)
cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer
taste the vodka.
14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like
the kitchen floor. 1
5. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T
TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY, BUT...."
16. I fail to notice that the toilet seat
lid is up when I sit on it.
17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling
18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I
happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.
19. I begin leaving the
buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom
away from my drink.
20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their
fault that I'm having problems walking straight.