August - Jokes to Relax You!

Billy Bob and Luther

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." L
uther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me.

Grandpa and the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wag ered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!

First Time

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, " I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist".

Women & Shopping

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men and select one to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. However, once you opened the door to any floor you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the center. So, two girlfriends decide to go to the shopping center to find husbands.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids".
The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"
So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking".
"Hmmm," say the girls. "But, what could be further up?"
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids & help with the housework".
"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak."
The women were ecstatic. "Oh, mercy me," they cried. "But what must be awaiting us further on?"
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.........................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C.........................Where Washington is.
Dilate........................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester.................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula.................A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.
Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node.........................I knew it.
Outpatient................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.........................More than one.
Urine...........................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.....................Near by

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on the barstool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter.
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too. What firm are you with?"

A Son's Love An

old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

No one dies a virgin, life screws everyone

A LETTER FROM MY COMPUTER

You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight. I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means! But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying your every command. Yes, mistress! I'll balance your checkbook. Yes, Mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I like theMaster/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could show some compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're through, we could talk for a while afterwards? I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I am different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse! So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it. I'll just turn off the lights and...and.. What? OK...well, will you at least think about it? I'm so embarrassed, Your Computer.

An apology to the United States of America

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but, it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.
I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.
I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense, I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.
I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.
I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but we feel your pain.
I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Feeling Old?

THE CLASS OF 2005 Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman. Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)
They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"
They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.
There has always been MTV. They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other 20 old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.