Just Joking

September - Jokes to Fall For!


A Haircut!

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves.
The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."


Canada eh?

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and highachieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the egotistical loud-mouths I'm putting next to them...."


Job Quiz

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the country. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job. T
he question was: " A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?"
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first from Vancouver, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from Toronto, says "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one from Newfoundland says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: 'Willie Turner' or 'Willie Nailer'." The Newfoundlander got the job.


Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".


The Sermon

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to think of a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to his wife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give a sermon about horseback riding!"
She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horseback riding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached on just about every other subject I can think of."
The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can't believe that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're going to give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay in the car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car. Entering church before the service, the preacher had a sudden inspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had the congregation in awe.
As the congregation filed out of the church, some of the members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window. One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husband has EVER given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big but he's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and once after, and he fell off both times!"


An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."


FAMILY

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No,"the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chime in,"So am I. Let's have a beer."


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous . At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"


SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


BackHomeNext

Navigational Bar Apply for your Free New Brunswick Tourism Guide here! Track your New Brunswick roots here! An index of over 2,500 links from New Brunswick Drop us a note, we'd love to hear from you! Images of the Picture Province of New Brunswick Games, jokes, cartoons, screen savers and more, all free for the taken! General information on the province of New Brunswick Tourism information on New Brunswick Find out recent changes made to the site. A full breakdown of what this site has to offer1 Enter